31st Oct 17′

20:00 Feel ok.

17:15 Just sat in my car after work. Don’t want to go home and see anyone. Just want to be alone

15:25 Yeah dropping fast. Feel fucking awful would love to be hit by a lorry right now. Having to put a fake face on at work and everyone around me has no idea I’m completely dead inside

15:22 Mood dropping. Nothing happened to trigger it. Tried distracting myself by cleaning desk/drawers. Got an awful feeling something bad is going to happen stomach turning

11:47 Feel ok. Had interviews this morning things are going well. Had a bit of a low mood first thing but ok now. I’m trying to use skills to help with my mood fluctuations but I’m struggling with it. What else can I do ?

30th Oct 17′

23:29 Partying on my own 😂

21:30 Yraaaaaaaaahhhhh singing. Liam G

19:59 Now I’m on my own. I’m going in the bath with a bottle of wine and a razor blade

19:25 I need help I can’t deal with these fluctuations in my mood anymore

18:21 Sunday dinner on a Monday. Feel good

12:36 Miserable. Wish I was dead

06:53 Just feel shit. Thoughts whizzing through my head of all the things in the future I don’t want to do. Family meals, events, meetings, seeing people

29th Oct 17′

19:24 Pulling out my hair and eating it

18:18 Hyper has warn off and I can feel my mood dropping

16:35 Shaking with energy like a nuke has gone off inside my brain. Shouting my fave songs out in the car 😎🙌💥💥💥

16:30 Going to buy some treats pick up the family from party and have a good night. Feeling good.

15:37 I’ve cut myself. I feel connected again.

15:15 Struggling to stay in the now. I can almost feel my mind floating away from my body. I’m numb. My body motionless but my mind is under attack. Thoughts have forced it out of my body and out of reach

15:09 Just dropped wife and kids at party. My mood has been dropping throughout the day. I’m losing my mind. I need to hurt myself

13:23 I forgot my meds this morning.

13:04 Son is refusing to eat with wife and as soon as I tell him to eat wife tells me off! My blood feels boiling, so angry inside I could burst. But I look fine on the outside.

12:27 Wife is stressing out and it’s stressing me out. I’d rather just be on my own

28th Oct 17′

11:04 Starting to think my medication isn’t working, why am I feeling suicidal nearly everyday ?

11:03 Getting the day started. Going out with wife and kids then it’s anniversary date night!

10:08 I had a dream I killed myself in a mental hospital. I self presented, snuck a blade in and once left alone began cutting myself up. All over my body, my face and finally my throat. I wrote a final message on the wall in my blood and made a goodbye video on my phone.

 

27th Oct 17′

20:48  I cut myself deeper tonight and it feels good

19:40  Stressed. Both me and wife have had short fuses tonight. Not feeling happy.

17:14 Meeting with Jeff my CPN went well 🙂 feel good. Got a good weekend ahead. Feeling more confident about ro dbt

12:53 Feeling abit better. Works going well can’t really concentrate though and flitting between tasks

07:27 Recieved a letter saying I owe HMRC over 3600. Also nearly got another person to come down to this big meeting but that has fallen through. I haven’t been affected by this yet but I worry it will shortly.

26th Oct 17′

23:27 Music has started to lift my mood. I’m singing. Stilling having bad thoughts but it’s distracting me.

19:00 A little better than earlier but in a bad place. I told wife I self harmed and she hit the roof and was angry at me. Not a very helpful reaction.

10:55 I thought I could wait but the pressure was too much so I’ve cut myself in the toilets at work with a pencil sharpener blade. Feel relief but the urge to do it again deeper

10:33 Desperately trying to find a way to stop this pain. Holding on until lunch, I’m going to buy razors from Asda and cut myself

09:44 Looking online to buy opiates, I was addicted to codine a few years back (I think the paracetamol broke my liver/kidneys hence the problems I have now). The codine numbed me and I needed about 15 to make it through the day. I want to numb myself again

07:56 The good feeling of yesterday has gone. Half smile and willing hands are doing nothing to budge this

06:59 Struggling to get out of bed. No energy, don’t want to see anyone today or do anything. I just want to be on my own

25th Oct 17′

21:00 Pulled alot of my beard hair out and ate it. Must be anxiety but not sure what from

20:17  Buzzing because I got loads of cheap deals in m&s.

15:04  Just finished DBT. Feel really good – first time since starting. A few things were different, I was more open, Sue (CPN) was there, the ‘noisiest’ in the group were not present

13:57 Opened up about situation at work, talked to the group. Sat in a way that is open – laid back, arms open. Palms up when I can. Feeling happy, efficient and cured (probably a bit optimistic)

12:57  Half smile skill used. Gave me a little boost

12:15 Productive morning. Feel good and positive. Just heading to DBT, usually feel anxious but feel OK.