24th Oct 17′

22:07 Massively overindulged on food

19:48 Have been pulling me hair out and eating it most of the day. Had bad anxiety but that has settled a little. This affected work today as I got little done not being able to concentrate. Had interviews sprung on me that I have to do next Tuesday, never interviewed anyone and I have 3 in one day back to back. Maybe that triggered the anxiety.

09:45 Taking control of the day and hammering through my workload. Getting stuff done. Feel in control and ‘happy’? Maybe, not sure.

08:02  Distracting myself with my works Todo list and other tasks I have on. No idea what emotion.

07:58 Trying to keep a positive outlook as I can feel little niggling thoughts creeping in. One of I should just kill myself. Not really any reason I can think off and morning went perfectly fine. Observed & described. Mindful breakfast & breathing. Don’t feel any particular emotion.

23rd Oct 17′

20:26 I’ve just left the wife’s, she was upset and struggling because of daughters mood swings. It hasn’t really affected my mood but I should state that I actually hold alot of contempt towards daughter. I blame her for the family splitting up, for me not being able to live with my son. For my worsening mental health and for nearly killing me by depriving me of sleep over months and months. Not to mention the bad influence she is having on my son and that she is everyday ruining my wifes happiness. Essentially we are all living pretty miserable lives and she is in control of that. My wife is in an impossible situation because it’s her daughter, and I’m in one because my son is involved. I love my wife and I’m being forced away from her.

 

21st Oct 17′

21:57 Singing all my fave songs and sending videos to all my friends of me singing them. Delightful 😂 fucking love this feeling

20:09 I want to cut myself or someone else. I won’t hurt anyone else but the voice is always there

18:39 The thoughts are rolling now. This happens all the time, it’s painful. I am suffering constantly. Nobody sees the suffering that I hide and it kills me to be so isolated. This is why I want to die, my life has nothing but misery. Thoughts are flashing through my head now. People at my local mental health centre are thinking I make this up. Everybody thinks I make it up. I feel like I’m almost holding my suicide as a trump card, a big told ya so to everybody. Stupid thing to think really, but I can’t help it.

18:33 Couldn’t get away from the wife and kids fast enough. Soon as I step out the door my mind is tumbling. Thinking bad thoughts, suicide. Disappearing. Dying. Suffering. I don’t know why I wanted to leave wife’s I just had to be alone but I know I feel like this when I do.

14:33 Daughter kicked off when me and wife showed each other some attention and both have now walked off in moods. Just me and my son watching telly. Don’t think it’s affected my mood

14:02 Wife finished work and started cleaning commenting on how messy the house was. Feel myself getting angry. I’d done the dishes and made tea. Feeling irritated

10:16 Cleaned up phone and sorted out storage. Felt good, given me the motivation to get up and make breakfast for kids. Recognized my mood & making effort to change it

09:58 Just sorting out this app and getting things organised. Feel in control. Not happy but not sinking anymore. Using distract skill”

09:39 Watching people messaging in group texts and Facebook. Sinking into a low mood but trying to fight it off. Considering deleting Facebook. Laying on sofa can’t move

06:54 Foot still hurts