29th Nov 17′

13:16 so busy the ends of my fingers set on fire off my keyboard. Work is manic right now which actually works really well for me, the busier and more occupied I am the better! I actually don’t have much to say here so bye. 

07:08 Today has started off great, I’m sleeping in cos I’m badass and can do what I want. Also a complete stranger posted a lovely comment on my site yesterday and it wasn’t what they wrote that has made me feel happy it’s that someone has spoke to me. I know that sounds sad af 😂 but it’s genuine. I could never tell anyone how I was feeling before this blog but now I have communicated with someone ands it ok. I feel better. It’s made me realise the significance of just talking, regardless of the subject. Even just a hello can brighten someone’s day and you never, have an even bigger impact on their day.

I will add to this blog post later in the day, just need to say that this morning 😊

28th Nov 17′

22:47 My mind has just exploded in technicolour. Joseph is riding a chameleon shaped skateboard kick flipping over my synapses. Singing, Audioslave at the top of my beautiful voice. SHOOOWWW MEEE HOWWW TOO LIVEEEE

20:24 Struggling. I’ve had a pretty good day up until a couple of hours ago when I noticed my mood changing. I was becoming snappy, moody, angry. Like a dark cloud was descending upon me and I engaged it in combat. I tried fighting but it won, as always.  Now I sit on my own, in the dark with only the light of this computer screen. My limbs feel heavy, emotion has been sapped from me and I just feel numb. Hollow.

There has been no trigger, I just always seem to go to this dark place after being on top of the world.

On my way down I detach. Everything has lost all meaning, nothing is good or bad. Nothing exists.

Listening to Linkin Park & Chris Cornell. When I kill myself I’ll hang.

27th Nov 17′

20:20 Pretty good day all round! Work was sound, evening has been great so far. Haven’t had a full day that hasn’t been up and down in months, in fact I can’t remember the last time. It’s refreshing but at the same time it feels like a glimpse of what life should be like all the time…but it isn’t…so that’s a little depressing 😂 The problem I have always had is my standards being too high. I have to have this perfect life with no downs or fuck it, it’s not worth it and I’d rather be dead. It completely sets me up for failure because no one can have a perfect life… but still, I don’t seem to be able to think any differently. Sometimes I will think differently for a little but revert back to my way of thinking shortly after. Oh well, I am enjoying today as it could be gone tomorrow. 

Love you all x

26th Nov 17′

20:35 I’ve pulled alot of my beard hair out and eaten it…now I look like a patchy mongrel. I guess I must be anxious about something but at this point in time I have no idea what it is. I’m just going to play assassin’s creed, chill out, stop eating hair then go to bed. 

19:37 YES! Twitter worked, each new diary entry is automatically shot into a tweet. That’s snazzy.

18:07 Alone at home now, I feel OK. I have to miss my RO DBT course this week and I’m not seeing my therapist so it’s the first time in ages that I’ll be without support for a couple of weeks – fills me with worry that but I’ll be alright. I have loads of things on at the mo that should keep me occupied – I often find that keeping myself occupied can stave off bad moods.

15:55 trying to leave that stress behind so I’m having a bath. Mindful breathing exercises too just to bring that arousal level down. Still chatting to my mate which is helping. I think I’m going to do a mindfulness section on this site. Just some techniques and things because regardless of your state of health mindfulness is a good thing to practice! It’s also the backbone of DBT.

13:19 started to get stressed and angry. Wife and son are irritating me and my head is throbbing with stress. Neither of them ever listen to me so what’s the fucking point. Now the wife has a face on her, she always makes it about her.

08:29 Son woke me up nice and early but he’s cute as hell so I’ll let it slide. Feel good this morning (except my knackered foot). Just watching the smurf movie! My friend (I think only friend seen as my illness seems to have disillusioned any other friends I had over the years) messaged me this morning just to catch up and see how I was. That’s exactly the kind of interaction I need, it’s not a massive support network but it’s something and without it I’d be completely alone. If you do one thing today – just ask someone how they are or spark up a conversation with someone you haven’t spoke to in a while. You never know they might just be waiting for a friend.

 

25th Nov 17′

21:43 feel fine, watching the farthest (docufilm about voyager). I’ve been good 90% of the day today so I’m happy with that! The only time I wasn’t I got really angry because a new shirt I bought doesn’t fasten around my massive cow neck!

17:10 play fighting with wife, laughing so much it hurts 😂 she’s such a div.

15:19 I hate myself. I’m only in my early 30s yet I have a broken brain, gout, knackered liver, overweight. I’m in such a bad state and ready for the knackers yard. What a sorry state of a man.

 

24th Nov 17′

19:43 drunk 🙄 German market in town and I went out with work friends for first time in ages. It was lovely like I actually had friends. I feel ok but felt like I always put on an act. To be honest I don’t even know who the real me is so everything could be an act.

10:20 Woke up (earlier than this BTW) absolutely buzzing like a rocket had gone off in my anal cavity. Blasting Korn on the way to work, loads of coffee, breakfast sarnie. YESSSSS. Nothing can stop me today!!