23:06 Absolute success tonight. Mood has been great, I’ve been super productive with this site. I made the home page static so any visitors don’t drown in diary entries. Can just imagine it ‘Oh, let’s check this site ou…..OH MY GOD THERE IS SO MUCH SHITE’. So now it’s safety hidden in it’s own section 😀 I’m tired and tomorrow is Black Friday…And payday, so good night x
16:22 First RO DBT group done! It actually went ok. I did a bit of DBT before this group and that didn’t really suit me. This feels much more suitable. I think this will help me.
14:29 Fuck me (I got distracted, have come back to this and have no idea why I wrote fuck me 😂)
14:00 I want to fucking die. What a shit life this is.
13:50 Feel sick and nervous. I want to just go home and be alone. I have to go to the wife’s and my mother’s tonight, I hate doing anything outside of my normal schedule. It just completely stresses me out. All my neck and shoulders are stiff.
13:45 Just about to start RO DBT feel abit worried actually. I don’t know what others will think of me and that’s scary. I’m going to give it my best shot though as I think it’ll be a big part of my recovery.
07:50 God it was hard getting out of bed this morning. Felt shite but blasted some linkin park out on the commute, singing along. Trying to scream so I’ve lost my voice. Picked my mood up though! Big meeting today and my first RO DBT (radically open dialectical behaviour therapy) absolute mouthful that. Bit anxious at the thought but ok.
20:21 Buzzing. Tea is nearly ready and I’m starving. Listening to music, singing and dancing. This is way to enjoy a night! Woo
19:28 I think I should have contacted my crisis team before this point
19:26 Well tonight hasn’t gone well. I’ve fallen out with my family. Sleeping alone tonight. Self harm, self loathing. It’s not a life worth living
19:22 I’ve cut myself. I had to stop the build up of pressure. I’ve felt a release. I know this isn’t an effective coping strategy but what the hell am I supposed to do when I feel like this
19:17 I’m angry at my care. They make me say stuff I don’t mean and come to conclusions I don’t agree with. I don’t need anybody anymore fuck the lot of them. What an absolute farce life is
18:51 I can’t calm down. I’m boiling, stiff. My head is throbbing especially across the forehead and back of head. See I normally turn anger and rage inwards and I can feel it overflowing outwards now
18:49 Seething with rage. Daughter has been so disrespectful. My blood feels like it has been lit on fire. I have to leave the house as soon as possible before I explode.
18:00 Felt anxious most of the day. I’ve been pulling my beard out and eating it. Now my face is all sore and patchy. Not a productive day at all, I’ve procrastinated most of it. It’s times like this I wish I was living alone in the woods in a log cabin. I’ve come home from work and I can’t deal with my kids kicking off, it stresses me out and makes me feel sick in my stomach
20:30 Started this blog! Feel productive and it’s making me happy. It’s like a huge project of organisation. I will happily spend days/weeks/months/years cataloguing all this data.
20:07 Stressful day at work but ok on the whole. Made rational choices throughout the day apart from alcohol on evening.
21:22 Sorry Sophie (my CPN, not real name) I know you lot are trying your best. That was just my mind going haywire. Incase I forget to ask next session I’d like to know how I’m being treated & why, like, am I being treated from my diagnosis? And if so why do you think the treatment I’m getting will help that?
20:14 Still angry, at something else this time. So it’s been mentioned a few times ‘definitely not saying you’re doing it on purpose’. That got me thinking, just because sometimes I can ‘wait’ to self harm that to the professionals looks like it’s a completely conscious choice. Almost, for attention. I can appreciate there are traits of borderline personality disorder there but I am actually suffering. Massively when I self harm. Yes sometime it’s delayed but I don’t delay the suffering until it’s time to self harm…I literally cling on, dying inside until I can release some of that built up pressure and pain. It’s making sense to me why I’ve been constantly reassured that I’ve done my best and I’ve got a real issue. Bullshit, it’s said because they know persons with this disorder have a sensitive nature. So you can’t tell them everything is ‘in your head’. When that’s what they truly believe. No disease, no illness just a disorder and disorders are bad. Like an asbo. Nothing wrong with the brain chemistry, drugs are given to shut them up. Fuck this
10:43 Angry this morning but ok now. Had to have tyres changed and the people were miserable serving me
18:39 Keeping myself occupied. My mood is lower than this morning but I’m staying positive.
12:00 Mindful walk this morning. Cleaned house again. Cooking dinner feel good.
18:18 Had a bath. Feel great, got plans for the future thought out and everything is going to be fine.
17:41 Tried meditating but I think I did more harm than good. My mind started flitting and latched onto a negative memory and I couldn’t stop it playing out. Snapped myself out of it but now I feel shit
16:30 Feel better. Deep cleaning the house and rearranging furniture.
15:40 Wife has bought me some chocolate and I’m going to have a bath
15:38 Trying distract skill. Cleaning house. Still feel so much pressure in my neck, shoulders, head. I’ve gone from wanting to kill myself to wanting to destroy something. Anything
14:25 I wish I was dead
14:24 Fucking stressed. So many things have just popped up that I can’t afford before Christmas but I have to. What the fuck am I going to do
09:32 Forcing myself to go to the park with family. Really don’t want to see or speak to anyone
18:06 Feel utterly shit. Everything feels heavy even my face.