21:44 So the meeting went great. But I’ve been on the go 16 hours now and wife has just text me kicking off saying I didn’t text her enough during the day. So I’ve tried desperately with all the skills I know to keep on top of my mood and calm it down but I can’t. I’m furious. And now I feel like I don’t give a fuck and she can fuck off. I want to get pissed and hurt myself. Also I sent a message in a group chat that has been ignored. So now I look fucking stupid too
12:30 Nearly at London for my meeting. Doing controlled breathing to calm myself. Feel very tense and panicky
20:57 I think I have been a toxic person for some time. Years. But I accept that I am a good person but with my own issues that I have/am struggling with. I can break out of this vicious cycle and live a life with meaning.
20:17 Still have to keep reassuring myself about tomorrow. It would be easier if I could just forget about it until the time
20:16 Used paced breathing to fend off niggling thoughts. I think it worked
12:21 Feel good. Productive morning. The big meeting tomorrow, I’m going to smash the dick off it. Not stressing over that anymore. Put a holiday in Thursday to have a bit of a me day
00:49 Feel fine but this is a late night going to bed. Only going to get 4/5 hours sleep here
20:34 Just got back from fireworks with daughter. Had fun, have had a good day.
10:40 Daughter is kicking off about getting ready and I can feel the stress building in my neck. It aches
10:14 Researching how to start again with a new life. I can know who I am if I create a new life. I need to change my name
08:33 One of those ‘change’ days where it feels like a pivotal point in my life. So now I think I’ll be a hardcore footy fan and buy a season ticket. And start going to bed early every night.
19:16 Watching serial killer videos & typing up a chronological timeline of events I can remember. I need to understand what is wrong with me and why
18:02 Could feel myself slipping into my own head. Just sat very still, I feel me detach from my body like I’m not part of it anymore. I think this is why I am not afraid to die, I don’t feel like it will actually be me dying. Just this body I am in
17:48 Just on social media seeing everyone happy. I know that people only put the best things on there but it’s truly depressing when I’m on my own with a bottle of gin. They all have friends and people they like that they spend time with. They’re happy and I’m fucking miserable
17:32 Still sat in my car. Step dad walking past and I swear he caught my eye and looked away. Why? I think people don’t like speaking to me I don’t know why. It’s like I’m inferior to them and they don’t have the time to speak to scum like me.
17:25 Left wife early, no reason. Got 1ltr of gin and a bottle of wine, I’ll be drinking that tonight and getting drunk on my own. I think I’ll probably be too drunk to feel anything bad
16:55 Last min trip to McDonald’s before picking wifeup. Got to McDonald’s daughter asked for a happy meal accidentally and wanted a adult meal so started kicking off which was annoying considering I was treating her. Then after I ordered everything I got to the drive thru till and they weren’t accepting card…I didn’t have enough money for the food only the happy meal. My stomach turned and I could feel rage burning inside of me. I went quiet and into myself.
15:10 Feel fine. Done some cleaning the kids have been good. Wife finishes at 5. Not sure what I’m doing tonight whether I’m going home at 7.30 or staying abit later
11:33 Hyper is wearing off. Feel I’m getting to normal
11:14 Energy explosion. Told off by wife because I won’t stop screaming and dancing 😬😬😬😬🤪🤪🤪🤪
10:59 Going up to wife now feeling happy to see kids and have a bacon butty
09:53 Woke up, computer on. Feel ok. I’ll be getting ready and going to wifes to look after the kids at 1130.
21:18 Tenant issue sorted it was just for universal credits. Phew.
20:20 Back home. Feel ok, still have the tenant issue on my mind. I’ve messaged her asking why she wants the address. Going to have a couple of beers and play some computer games
18:47 My tenant asked me for my address earlier. Didn’t think anything of it but now my head has gone into tail spin. Why did she want my address? Is she handing a notice in? I can’t afford to not have a tenant….I can’t cope with the stress of having to find another one or do the house up. Right before Christmas as well. I can’t deal with that. I would rather kill myself.
18:20 Wife had a little go at me about putting shopping away. I didn’t say anything but I’m raging inside
17:16 Wife doesn’t let me go shopping anymore because I spend too much
16:46 Got in from meeting with Bob my CPN. Wife seems snappy. I feel ok but I’m aware of how shes coming across. I greeted my son and got told straight away not to wind him up. She speaks to the kids like ‘dont worry dad will do that, dad will put that on’ etc. Which sounds harmless but it’s a subtle way of controlling me.
12:59 Anxiety. Can’t move, I’ve had to go sit in my car. I feel like crying.
12:42 Been procrastinating most of the day. Feeling abit low.
07:49 Feel good & productive. I’m going to get lots of work done today.
13:59 Surely there is something more that can be done to curb my mood? I feel proper powerless at the moment. I don’t even feel like these therapies help. Talking one to one does help because it’s nice to talk to someone about my problems. If I could just be drugged up to the eyeballs and talk to someone once a week that’d suit me. Oh and someone to text when I’m in crisis 😂
13:57 I think ro DBT will probably be more beneficial as I know I am over controlled
13:53 I don’t think I actually need to be here. Yes I have uncontrollable moods but my conflict is so internal. These people are nothing like me. I’ve been talking to my sister who is bipolar & BPD and I’m still convinced I am bipolar. My moods are too up and down all the time and for the most part without a prompting event. Like I do not have control, I’m just on a rollercoaster.
12:08 Sound. Singing
07:07 Feeling supersonic