08:49 woke up with no eyebrows… nope, not a teenage prank I must’ve pulled them out last night. I normally pull hair out and eat it when anxiety is running high. I’m not sure what I am anxious about but I still feel it this morning. I feel skitish, uneasy, on edge. I have thought about hanging myself or crashing my car, I assume that’s my mind trying to defend itself.
Anyway, it’s exhausting isn’t it having a mental illness. I sort of wish I just felt one way, all the time. It’s the constant up and down that wears you out.
I must write some good news down though, I haven’t self harmed (well cut, you could say abusing booze, food and pulling hair is self harm) in over a week! Little steps n’ that. It’s really weird actually because I will go through a period of weeks/months where I’ll self harm, be depressed, suffer from anxiety etc. But then I’ll go through a period after where I will still maybe get those symptoms but I’ll be manic, hyper, spend all the money I don’t have and make stupid decisions. So, that to me sounds like bipolar right? Well my sister is diagnosed bipolar (type 2, rapid) and mood/personality wise we’re nearly identical. Yet my dr’s brush off the idea. Obviously I’m not the medical professional and what I think isn’t necessarily correct. But yeah. That’s what I think.