3rd Dec 17′

08:49 woke up with no eyebrows… nope, not a teenage prank I must’ve pulled them out last night. I normally pull hair out and eat it when anxiety is running high. I’m not sure what I am anxious about but I still feel it this morning. I feel skitish, uneasy, on edge. I have thought about hanging myself or crashing my car, I assume that’s my mind trying to defend itself. 

Anyway, it’s exhausting isn’t it having a mental illness. I sort of wish I just felt one way, all the time. It’s the constant up and down that wears you out. 

I must write some good news down though, I haven’t self harmed (well cut, you could say abusing booze, food and pulling hair is self harm) in over a week! Little steps n’ that. It’s really weird actually because I will go through a period of weeks/months where I’ll self harm, be depressed, suffer from anxiety etc. But then I’ll go through a period after where I will still maybe get those symptoms but I’ll be manic, hyper, spend all the money I don’t have and make stupid decisions. So, that to me sounds like bipolar right? Well my sister is diagnosed bipolar (type 2, rapid) and mood/personality wise we’re nearly identical. Yet my dr’s brush off the idea. Obviously I’m not the medical professional and what I think isn’t necessarily correct. But yeah. That’s what I think.

Author: mentalhealthdiary.com

Just a stranger writing about their life as a mental illness sufferer. I hope you can relate to the content on my site :)

6 thoughts on “3rd Dec 17′”

  1. What exhausts me is that there is no cure, no matter how hard I work on it. I logically know this, but I still don’t believe it, and beat myself up and down that I can’t cure myself. So yeah, the up and down is the insanity of the insanity. I’ve been feeling good for the past 3 days. Business trip tomorrow… all week. I’m nervous of how this may play out. Hoping for the best.

    “Antonin Artaud wrote on one of his drawings, “Never real and always true,” and that is how depression feels. You know that it is not real, that you are someone else, and yet you know that it is absolutely true.”
    ― Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Certainly, it’s difficult to accept that there’s no cure. Especially when you have days feeling good, it almost seems like it’s gone away!

      I hope your business trip goes well, you’ve had a good 3 days so hopefully you can take that with you 🙂

      “Never real and always true” I like that

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Well thank you so much for sharing 🙂 I often don’t know I’m doing it! This sounds ridiculously odd right but how good is a thick wet root!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha, one of those things I guess! Maybe it’s not anxiety why I pull the hair out…perhaps I just love those roots 😂

        Like

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