8th Dec 17′ – I Am Cured

20:09 I am cured – not like a meat but from my mental illness. It may only be for a few hours or a day but today I’m cured. My RO DBT skills are working, I don’t even feel the need for meetings with my mental health nurse (although I’m not naive in thinking I won’t need this support in the future). I met with my nurse earlier today and I felt great, I was describing to her that the last few months I have been under a cloud. This made my treatment very difficult as I was stuck in the mindset that I was fucked anyway so why try. Hopefully now I am free of the clutches of depression I can begin a proper recovery. I just hope that I can make a real dent in it. Below I have drawn a graph (Artistic, I know). The graph depicts my mood swings over time, I’ll explain below the graph.

Up and Down Moods
This Is Gonna Take Some Explaining.

The Above Graph:

The fat black line represents my mental state over time. This cycle has been going on since my early teens and it’s nearly as regular as clockwork! I’m going to start properly tracking dates (as accurate as I can, sometimes I don’t know I’ve entered or exited a state) so that I might be able to roughly predict when I may need more help etc.

So as you can see I normally have 1 – 3 months of crushing depression where I will have suicidal thoughts/possibly attempts, self half, very unhealthy eating and sleeping habits. When I come out of these depressions I might have days/weeks where I feel ‘normal’ then I go into a short 1 – 3 week period of super high. During these peaks I will not sleep much, have almost unlimited energy, make stupid decisions (like quitting jobs, plunging myself in debt, ending relationships etc.) and generally just be off the rails. To be honest those peaks are mostly enjoyable but sometimes I peak far too high and begin to lose touch with reality – times when this has happened I have hallucinated and had delusions of the devil attacking me and getting into my bones. Really quite scary times.

The Skinny up and down lines are my hourly/daily mood swings. These are awful and tiring. So regardless of my overbearing mood phase I will ping pong between low and hi in as little as minutes but mainly hours. These moods feel very much like knife edges, I can be on top of the world or falling into the abyss.

Anyway…How the hell did I get into my moods when writing about a good day?! I’ll shall move this mood stuff into it’s own section for reference 🙂

 

Author: mentalhealthdiary.com

Just a stranger writing about their life as a mental illness sufferer. I hope you can relate to the content on my site :)

3 thoughts on “8th Dec 17′ – I Am Cured”

  1. This is great, I bet this data will be able to help you. For example, you wouldn’t start a new education course while entering a depressive phase. Or buy a house at the peak of any of the phases, trying to push that towards the balanced phase. As I tell my hairdresser, I will only cut my hair radically different if I want it for an entire 30 days, because I know my mind changes. You can probably guess how many days you hold onto an specific mood to know how long you should try and wait on a big decision. I do not experience mania, so I do not know if you’d be able to keep such a plan during it.

    I am having a good phase too, and trying my best to enjoy it while I can. Writing it down too, because I won’t remember these days on my own once I have a bad phase again. I may start journaling too!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope it does. You’re right, it might help me be more ‘balanced’. Ha yeah, I normally shave my hair off like Brittany spears whenever my mood shifts and I feel im not in control anymore. My family normally spot this and know something is up. Unfortunately there is very little plan keeping when you’ve gone off on one. They’re the most destructive phases as you have no boundaries.

      You do right, I hope it last long for you. That’s a good idea, would that take shape as something like this site? Or a proper hand written journal?

      Like

      1. I plan on keeping the writing online, I believe I will feel more accountable. If I keep it hand written, it will die off like all my other previous attempts. Also, there is the slight chance that someone out there will read it and feel some comfort knowing they are not alone. That is priceless to me.

        Liked by 1 person

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