20:09 I am cured – not like a meat but from my mental illness. It may only be for a few hours or a day but today I’m cured. My RO DBT skills are working, I don’t even feel the need for meetings with my mental health nurse (although I’m not naive in thinking I won’t need this support in the future). I met with my nurse earlier today and I felt great, I was describing to her that the last few months I have been under a cloud. This made my treatment very difficult as I was stuck in the mindset that I was fucked anyway so why try. Hopefully now I am free of the clutches of depression I can begin a proper recovery. I just hope that I can make a real dent in it. Below I have drawn a graph (Artistic, I know). The graph depicts my mood swings over time, I’ll explain below the graph.
The Above Graph:
The fat black line represents my mental state over time. This cycle has been going on since my early teens and it’s nearly as regular as clockwork! I’m going to start properly tracking dates (as accurate as I can, sometimes I don’t know I’ve entered or exited a state) so that I might be able to roughly predict when I may need more help etc.
So as you can see I normally have 1 – 3 months of crushing depression where I will have suicidal thoughts/possibly attempts, self half, very unhealthy eating and sleeping habits. When I come out of these depressions I might have days/weeks where I feel ‘normal’ then I go into a short 1 – 3 week period of super high. During these peaks I will not sleep much, have almost unlimited energy, make stupid decisions (like quitting jobs, plunging myself in debt, ending relationships etc.) and generally just be off the rails. To be honest those peaks are mostly enjoyable but sometimes I peak far too high and begin to lose touch with reality – times when this has happened I have hallucinated and had delusions of the devil attacking me and getting into my bones. Really quite scary times.
The Skinny up and down lines are my hourly/daily mood swings. These are awful and tiring. So regardless of my overbearing mood phase I will ping pong between low and hi in as little as minutes but mainly hours. These moods feel very much like knife edges, I can be on top of the world or falling into the abyss.
Anyway…How the hell did I get into my moods when writing about a good day?! I’ll shall move this mood stuff into it’s own section for reference 🙂