11th Dec 17′ Snowy Death Trap

20:56 It’s been snowing and it’s freezing and my car is a death trap.

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I’m not a massive fan of driving in the snow, it sends my anxiety into overdrive – before I even get to the car I have played out multiple scenarios where I have crashed. Sometimes I die, sometimes I’m horribly disfigured, other times someone else dies and I go to jail forever. I mean, that’s not setting you up for the most glorious of days is it.

I’ve been living in my head a lot today. Here are some of the things I got up to (inside my head, not physically):

  • A couple of lads threw snowballs at me so I chased them. They didn’t run away which kinda shocked me but I’m an absolute wuss so I pull my ice scraper out my shopping bag and swung at them. In this particular instance I missed, they took it off me and repeatedly stabbed me with it. I often have little ‘day dreams’ where I am killed whilst out and about, they’re quite invigorating really and I secretly want them to happen (not a massive secret now, whoops). Like, how perfect would it be to be murdered? I wouldn’t have to go to the trouble of doing it myself then. Anyway, next one.
  • A car lost control on the icy roads and veered onto the path knocking me over – not totally over, I jumped a bit like a ninja and bounced off the bonnet. I then sued them. Bit of a shit day dream that.
  • I was sat in the toilets at work for about an hour in the dark (that’s actually true) but then I thought, OK, so I have a migraine (I didn’t) and this is where I would be. You have low light so you’d be sound. whenever I go to the toilet I have to have the tap on, the sound of running water, anyone else do that?!

I got urges to self harm tonight but I didn’t act on them. I cooked a meal to make me fatter than I already am. I pulled another eye brow off. Bit my nails until they bled.

I can’t focus on anything my brain is allover the place flitting about.

Author: mentalhealthdiary.com

Just a stranger writing about their life as a mental illness sufferer. I hope you can relate to the content on my site :)

9 thoughts on “11th Dec 17′ Snowy Death Trap”

  1. The high school I attended has big, beautiful windows in the classrooms. I used to day dream of a dragon that would crash on it and then land on the teacher and start killing us all. I felt like I’d rather that happen than to keep going. Never focused on my own death though. Just something absurd to take me out of there. Nowadays the day dreams are more tame. Night dreams can run deep and dark, without medicine. On medicine, they are all quite shallow and I cannot recall them completely.

    I am trying to figure out if I’m going down or it is just Monday. I hope you run out of anxiety soon and can take a break.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A dragon?! That’s definitely an extreme way to get out of class πŸ˜‚ happy they’re more tame now through, have you ever had a melatonin supplement? I took one of those last month and had the most horrific nightmares. Never again!

      Do you like not recalling your dreams or would you rather have them/remember them?

      I hope you’re not going down friend, Mondays are pretty awful and to be honest I think Tuesdays are too! Just think halfway there tomorrow πŸ™‚ do you have any plans to look forward to at the weekend?

      Thank you so much, I hope so too.

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      1. Never had melatonin supplement. I liked the lucid dreams, the others, it depends. I could dream absurd, dark ones without feeling affraid, it felt more like a movie.

        No weekend plans, which is how I like it πŸ™‚ I am coming down with some sort of respiratory sickness though, it is 2am here and I gave up trying to sleep.

        Hey your Twitter tag says UK. Which accent? I gotta stop reading your stuff in American accent 😁

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah I wouldn’t recommend taking one either. I stopped having dreams when I started medication and I kinda miss them.

        Ha, same! If I have plans it feels like pressure and something to worry about. I hope you feel better soon and manage to get some sleep, lack of sleep always messes with my moods. Nearly 10am here.

        Northern England, Yorkshire accent (try reading it in that!) πŸ™‚ you don’t write like a typical American if that makes sense πŸ˜‚ if I didn’t know I would have said you’re English.

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      3. I will have to Google that accent. My English is different because it is my second language. I am native from Brazil, been an American for less than 10. Still blank out on vocabulary at some points. Since it is my second language, I have been told I sound very formal. I give a lot of shit to the locals that suck at English grammar πŸ™‚

        I’m here reading the last 150 pages of IT, Mr King finally doesn’t give a shit and the story is getting very messed up and dark, yet still keeping the goodies hidden. 1150 pages of book, still enough mystery in these last 150…

        Liked by 1 person

      4. A quick YouTube should throw up some Yorkshire accents. It’s a little different from the queen’s English πŸ˜‚

        Ah right, you’re really good and not too formal so wouldn’t worry there.

        I think all my shits would have been gone long before the last 150 pages mind! Has that taken you long? I’m so slow at reading, I have to read each sentence 2 – 3 times. For me, IT would be a couple of years worth of reading. He’s good Mr King though isn’t he.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Veeery different from the queen’s and Downtown Abbey’s English (my guilty pleasure soap opera). Much interesting to read in that accent, thanks!

        Yes, Mr King so far makes my favorite dark, multi flawed, realist characters.

        Liked by 1 person

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