20:56 It’s been snowing and it’s freezing and my car is a death trap.
I’m not a massive fan of driving in the snow, it sends my anxiety into overdrive – before I even get to the car I have played out multiple scenarios where I have crashed. Sometimes I die, sometimes I’m horribly disfigured, other times someone else dies and I go to jail forever. I mean, that’s not setting you up for the most glorious of days is it.
I’ve been living in my head a lot today. Here are some of the things I got up to (inside my head, not physically):
- A couple of lads threw snowballs at me so I chased them. They didn’t run away which kinda shocked me but I’m an absolute wuss so I pull my ice scraper out my shopping bag and swung at them. In this particular instance I missed, they took it off me and repeatedly stabbed me with it. I often have little ‘day dreams’ where I am killed whilst out and about, they’re quite invigorating really and I secretly want them to happen (not a massive secret now, whoops). Like, how perfect would it be to be murdered? I wouldn’t have to go to the trouble of doing it myself then. Anyway, next one.
- A car lost control on the icy roads and veered onto the path knocking me over – not totally over, I jumped a bit like a ninja and bounced off the bonnet. I then sued them. Bit of a shit day dream that.
- I was sat in the toilets at work for about an hour in the dark (that’s actually true) but then I thought, OK, so I have a migraine (I didn’t) and this is where I would be. You have low light so you’d be sound. whenever I go to the toilet I have to have the tap on, the sound of running water, anyone else do that?!
I got urges to self harm tonight but I didn’t act on them. I cooked a meal to make me fatter than I already am. I pulled another eye brow off. Bit my nails until they bled.
I can’t focus on anything my brain is allover the place flitting about.