21st Dec 17′ – Anxiety Is Bigger Than Christmas

13:44 I’m crushed. I feel a sickness, worrying, dread feeling right through my body. Lead rods instead of bones. The pit of my stomach seems to have been exchanged with a whirring knot of bicycle chains. 

See, everything was OK until someone had a go at me via email at work. Basically complaining at my work. My mind blew into overdrive. Shit, I’m supposed to be an expert at this. Fuck, what will happen when everyone else finds out I’ve done a crap job. I might lose my job. People will talk about me. I can’t lose my job. I want to die. I have to hurt myself. Fuck if only that Dr had given me something to take in these situations. What do I do? I don’t have meds I can take…I’m too wound up to even care about a stupid fucking DBT skill. My life is not worth living. 

…..You can see how it went ey. I have, thankfully, calmed down abit from that. I still don’t feel well at all. I cancelled my RO DBT class because I can’t face anyone. I’m supposed to be at a family meal later but the thought of it is knocking me sick. I don’t want to see anyone let alone family. I will of course spend the rest of the day, possibly days, putting on a completely fake smile. Because I am so good (most people with a mental illness are too) at covering up how I feel nobody will be suspicious that really, I am truly fucking dying inside. 

I drove home, almost in a trance. My only thoughts were to swerve into something or please let me crash. Or somebody crash into me, take that effort of doing it myself away from me. Just fucking kill me. Please. 

I don’t even know if this is anxiety or depression or something else. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what emotions I am feeling. I don’t know what to do. All I know is this is unbearable. 

Author: mentalhealthdiary.com

Just a stranger writing about their life as a mental illness sufferer. I hope you can relate to the content on my site :)

11 thoughts on “21st Dec 17′ – Anxiety Is Bigger Than Christmas”

  1. Anxiety overflow. Sorry mate, it hurts as all hell. See I even said “mate” cuz that’s how you say buddy over there ey? Some of my worst “anxiety attacks” as I call them starts with an apocalyptic work e-mail or phone call. It is like work is the ultimate measure of my life at that moment, and I go bananas, isolate myself, mind racing through 5 different scenarios at the same time, escape plans, hoping I will just have a heart attack, so nobody then will blame me for my ultimate failure. It races out of control like that. I got to a point I’d procrastinate opening my mail box in the morning, afraid the cycle would restart over and over again every morning. A combination of therapy, medicine and co workers helped. It was so bad it covered my depression, which went unnoticed as personality traits for the longest time. It pains me to know you going through this. Feel free to write to me more about it, we can talk this through and out of you. Life is worth living, the winter gaming sales are on mate, you CAN’T possibly have a clear gaming backlog, come on. Let’s play our games and obsess over inventories and stealth paths, they distract us so well for an anxiety break!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is mate 😂 thank you. I honestly didn’t think I’ve ever really suffered with anxiety but then again. I’ve always had trouble naming my emotions and actually understanding what I feel.

      That’s exactly it! It is awful isn’t it. Thank you for telling me this though I really appreciate it.

      Ha, I know. To be honest I’ve got too many games to be playing! I’m trying to 100% assassin’s creed origin’s now but will probs go back to elder Scrolls online after that. Not getting not getting much time to game lately with these new tablets they’re knocking me out on a night.

      Anyway, mate, thank you.

      Like

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