13:44 I’m crushed. I feel a sickness, worrying, dread feeling right through my body. Lead rods instead of bones. The pit of my stomach seems to have been exchanged with a whirring knot of bicycle chains.
See, everything was OK until someone had a go at me via email at work. Basically complaining at my work. My mind blew into overdrive. Shit, I’m supposed to be an expert at this. Fuck, what will happen when everyone else finds out I’ve done a crap job. I might lose my job. People will talk about me. I can’t lose my job. I want to die. I have to hurt myself. Fuck if only that Dr had given me something to take in these situations. What do I do? I don’t have meds I can take…I’m too wound up to even care about a stupid fucking DBT skill. My life is not worth living.
…..You can see how it went ey. I have, thankfully, calmed down abit from that. I still don’t feel well at all. I cancelled my RO DBT class because I can’t face anyone. I’m supposed to be at a family meal later but the thought of it is knocking me sick. I don’t want to see anyone let alone family. I will of course spend the rest of the day, possibly days, putting on a completely fake smile. Because I am so good (most people with a mental illness are too) at covering up how I feel nobody will be suspicious that really, I am truly fucking dying inside.
I drove home, almost in a trance. My only thoughts were to swerve into something or please let me crash. Or somebody crash into me, take that effort of doing it myself away from me. Just fucking kill me. Please.
I don’t even know if this is anxiety or depression or something else. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what emotions I am feeling. I don’t know what to do. All I know is this is unbearable.