17th Dec 17′ – Ups & Downs

22:30 UPDATE. I have the fucking power!! Fuck the moods, fuck the downs. I have control over my life and what happens. I’m sound now totally sound.

19:36 Crazy day of ups and downs today. I struggled to even get out of bed and my pitch black room. Not asleep, just lying there feeling dead and empty. A dread that I have no life. I finally found the energy to get up but that dark mood followed me around the house. Then I snapped out of it (or so I thought), did a few bits around the house, went to the shops and then to my partner’s house to look after my son 🙂. I was flustered and stressed though and snappy with my partner, it was obvious I wasn’t in a good frame of mind. I’ve struggled throughout the night but weirdly some ironing seems to have changed my mood! Now I feel OK. I need a plan to not feel like this anymore. It completely controls my life and I’m so sick of it. 

16th Dec 17′ – Hungover & Relationship Troubles

22:18 So had a little bit of a argument with my partner,  not really an argument I just think they’re finally getting sick of me and will soon leave. I’m too tired to go into details but these are a few of the messages I have been sent:

  • “because you used to be just you and now your different types of you I can’t really explain it”
  • “You used to be NAME and we had fun now you’re different types of you and I dont even know them”
  • “You haven’t always been like that it’s a new thing, you used to be fine with the kids, always the calm rational one and now I’m that.”

Essentially what my partner is getting at is they feel like they’re not in a relationship with the same person they met at the start. We don’t have sex anymore, I kinda feel like we’ve fallen out of love other than the fact we care for each other. I don’t know what to make of it all.

19:44 Christmas party yesterday and I was far too drunk. I forgot to take my evening meds, got in at 3am, lost my keys and now I feel absolutely trollop. I don’t have anything else to say just wanted to check in so i’ll leave you with this gif.

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14th Dec 17′ – Hello Earth

14:06 What the hell is in these new tablets (Mirtazapine)?! I have only taken one dose and I feel like I am on planet zogg. 

  • I slept like a log which was expected
  • Woke up with a massive hangover (hadn’t drank)
  • Felt dizzy and detached all day, completely away with the fairies
  • Slurring my words and all my thoughts are Jumbled
  • Can’t remember driving into work
  • Dry mouth which was also expected

I have been on anti depressants before (sertraline) and had side effects but nothing like this. 

To be fair, they’re probably going to work because I don’t feel like I’m living on Earth 😂 

Just waiting for my RO DBT class, I’ve forgot my folder. They won’t be mad but they’ll be disappointed. 

13th Dec 17′ – More Drugs

20:38 Today was my medication review. It went quite well actually and I felt comfortable. I had terrible anxiety leading up to the meeting that knocked me sick. I was sweating and my whole body felt restless. Also pulled more eyebrow hairs out! All of that seemed to swiftly go away once I was going into the dr’s room. He was a nice gent and not one bit condescending (something I loathe & unfortunately see in alot of dr’s). 

He asked me the usual textbook questions but delivered them in an open, relaxed way:

  • How was I doing at the moment
  • What medication am I currently on
  • Is my current medication working
  • When high/low describe feelings or events that have happened 

And a few more but you get the idea. The more we rattled through the questions we begun discussing the similarities of my symptoms with Bipolar Disorder – this is something I have thought alot about as my sister is diagnosed Bipolar and we’re pretty much identical (symptom’s, mannerisms, personality etc.). In absolute honesty, I think I have Bipolar disorder but I understand it’s something that takes a long time to diagnose. It’s symptoms are found in many other disorders and the treatments vary from what I currently recieve. 

Anyway, I got what I wanted to say across and I’m proud of myself I did that rather than shrink away or forget. It was decided that I should add Mirtazapine (30mg) into my meds. This is an anti depressant with histamine blocking properties (sedative effect). Started taking that today so hopefully over the next 3 – 4 weeks I will see a positive change 🙂 

Hopefully the crushing lows won’t be as severe and I can actually start to live! I will be updating my mental health diary to track how this new medication is going. 

For the record I am currently on:

  • 400mg lamotrigine /day
  • 30mg Mirtazapine /day 

12th Dec 17′ – Mental Health Has No Place In My Bathtub

20:45 Picture this. We’ve got Kiss, the beastie boys, blur and Pantera pouring out of my speakers whilst I’m in the bath with a port sampling kit. 
Don’t just imagine!! Here it is. 

See, today has been stressful. Work up to my eyeballs. But I left all that at the office to look after myself tonight. Everyone should remember to do this every so often, not a boozy bath unless that floats your boat. But to spend some time for yourself. I know it’s hard and you have to be in the right mind for it to work but when it does it’s glorious. 

I do have one huge issue though and it’s not a mental one. THERE’S NO PORT LEFT 😭😭😭 

Medication review tomorrow, I’ve already gone through multiple scenarios in my head, Dr is condescending, doesn’t listen to me and I walk out disappointed, angry and miserable. Pray that I’m wrong! Will update tomorrow 🙂

Adiós.

11th Dec 17′ Snowy Death Trap

20:56 It’s been snowing and it’s freezing and my car is a death trap.

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I’m not a massive fan of driving in the snow, it sends my anxiety into overdrive – before I even get to the car I have played out multiple scenarios where I have crashed. Sometimes I die, sometimes I’m horribly disfigured, other times someone else dies and I go to jail forever. I mean, that’s not setting you up for the most glorious of days is it.

I’ve been living in my head a lot today. Here are some of the things I got up to (inside my head, not physically):

  • A couple of lads threw snowballs at me so I chased them. They didn’t run away which kinda shocked me but I’m an absolute wuss so I pull my ice scraper out my shopping bag and swung at them. In this particular instance I missed, they took it off me and repeatedly stabbed me with it. I often have little ‘day dreams’ where I am killed whilst out and about, they’re quite invigorating really and I secretly want them to happen (not a massive secret now, whoops). Like, how perfect would it be to be murdered? I wouldn’t have to go to the trouble of doing it myself then. Anyway, next one.
  • A car lost control on the icy roads and veered onto the path knocking me over – not totally over, I jumped a bit like a ninja and bounced off the bonnet. I then sued them. Bit of a shit day dream that.
  • I was sat in the toilets at work for about an hour in the dark (that’s actually true) but then I thought, OK, so I have a migraine (I didn’t) and this is where I would be. You have low light so you’d be sound. whenever I go to the toilet I have to have the tap on, the sound of running water, anyone else do that?!

I got urges to self harm tonight but I didn’t act on them. I cooked a meal to make me fatter than I already am. I pulled another eye brow off. Bit my nails until they bled.

I can’t focus on anything my brain is allover the place flitting about.

10th Dec 17′ – Symptomless Day & Medication Review

19:41 It snowed today. I watched it out the window laying on the tree with my Christmas lights on. I also watched some films, ate a Sunday roast & now I’m going to game.

Mental Health Diary - Christmas Lights

It’s a good day and one that has not contained any symptoms of mental illness (that I’m aware of). It’s days like this that make you feel real, a glimpse out into ‘normality’. I will desperately try to cling onto the feeling but as you know, it doesn’t last.

I have a medication review this Wednesday, not sure how I feel about it. I’ve not had one before other than my initial dishing out of the meds. Currently I take 400mg of Lamotrigine (mood stabiliser) a day and to be fair it was an absolute life saver when I first started taking it. It seemed to stop my mood bouncing up and down throughout the day and lengthen it out to days. I’m still sure this medication is helping me but there are two points I am going to bring up on Wednesday:

  • I still get stuck in crushing depressions which are lasting for weeks/months.
  • Often I get completely overwhelmed by emotion and the only way out I can use is self harm or suicide. Fortunately, I have opted for the self harm but how long will this be the case? Every episode of depression seems deeper and darker than the last.

I know psychiatric medication is not a silver bullet so cannot expect both of the above points to be sorted on medication alone. However, something to help me come out of those deep depressions? Or something to help when I am overwhelmed?

Anyway, I’ll be bringing up those points and I will let you know how it goes 🙂 Just out of interest, for any of you that have times when you are overwhelmed, do you have medication for this? If so, what is it?