22:18 Update. I’ve RKO’d depression for today. I have been spending some time looking through other people’s blogs on here and it’s just amazing. There are all these people out there and you never see it on social media. The stories, thoughts, experiences that I am reading are just so grounding. I hope some of you are reading this as you have given me the hope I thought I had lost. The hope, that this year I can work towards loving myself. Taking care of me rather than embarking on destructive paths when I feel overwhelmed. I’m not being too optimistic either! I know that I will fail at times, but I will get back up. ❤
20:07 It’s the first day of the New Year and I have done nothing but be my ‘old’ self. Unhealthy eating, wallowing in anxiety & depression. And this was all before lunch!!!
Fortunately, my mood has come round a bit now but it’s brought me back down to earth. Over the last few days, as some of you know, my moods went skew whiff and I nearly went cold turkey off my meds. I thought I was cured and I had it all figured out, life was going to be perfect. Today though, BANG. Fuck off son, get back down where you belong. If I could describe how I feel right now it would be deflated. Not because I’m a massive fat balloon that is now devoid of air. But because for a brief moment I had hope, and it felt so real.
It doesn’t help that tomorrow is the first day back at work post holidays.
If I wasn’t already feeling like a fat lazy trollop I have just annihilated what was left of the celebrations. Hooray to me.
I will not let this day get me down though, tomorrow is the real start of the New Year. The 1st is just a fake shitty day where you make all your promises but you can’t start them on the same day.
My New Years resolution? I have 3:
- Don’t die
- Lose about 4 stone
- Finally tackle a MMORPG (I’ve been dipping my toes into ESO but I am ready to pour most of my life into something other than reality).