Mood – Bleak with a sprinkling of zero fucks.
A bit of a strange week this. I’ve had up’s & down’s.
- Successfully used a number of my DBT skills – wisemind, mindfulness and self enquiry. Really pleased with myself, told my therapist today and they were dead happy too :). This does mark a big change because I was convinced DBT didn’t work for me and I would never get better. At least now I can see that I am learning coping strategies. The illness is still there but I think I’m getting better at coping with it.
- Really productive at work most days. Caught up on the work that built up over Christmas & pushed ahead with a few new projects.
- Found out I’m off on a business trip to Barcelona in February. Woo.
- I’ve absolutely not stuck to any healthy eating or drinking habits. I feel awfully bloated and fat. These new meds (Mirtazipinie) have wrecked me. I’m eating loads even though I’m full. I feel minging & all I want to do is sleep.
- I keep feeling like hopelessness is setting in. The creeping dread. Like, fuck it. Please die. When I get like that if I am not self harming then I will be as unhealthy as I can be, not a conscious effort, but anything to harm my body. I know a lot of people/books explain behaviour like this as when a person doesn’t feel they’re ‘worth it’ but I don’t think applies to me. Like, worth doesn’t even come into it. When I feel that numb, hollow and dead I really couldn’t give a shit if anything is worth it or not. Nothing is worth anything because I don’t want anything to exist.
I just don’t get it, life that is. I have so many questions and no answers.
- Why do emotions exist?
- Why can’t everything just be ran on logic like a computer?
- If negative emotions and feelings are ‘bad’ or ‘painful’ then why the fuck are they a thing?!
- Why would your own brain/mind damage you/itself?
- If we all know we die within 100 years, and that in the ‘grand scheme’ we are fuck all but little specks. Why do we actually bother with anything?
- Why don’t we spend those short years doing stuff that makes you feel good?
- Or better yet, there are no emotions so you don’t have to make the effort to feel good.
- Why am I ‘ill’ and she isn’t? Maybe I’m ‘normal’ and the rest of y’all are ‘ill’.
- What if, other animals are actually more intelligent than us? See, humans have created vastly complex societies/lives that are full of trauma, hate and pain. Pigs eat, fuck & sleep (I don’t know if that’s the right order). Now who’s dumb? If we’re the master race why the hell do we even have all this hate and pain in the world?
- This isn’t a question. Money is shit and the evil of all things.
Arghghghghghgghghgh something please make sense.