10th Feb 18′ – Violent Thought’s

15:14

Mood – Numb

I’ve never told anyone…or even documented it until now but I have had thoughts for some time about hurting others.

Please don’t jump to any conclusions that I am a bad person, I pride myself on being kind and gentle. But I often get massively inappropriate urges, have never acted on them. The urges are extreme though, I can’t hold a knife without something inside of me telling me to push it into someone. I don’t know why but I feel like I have to do it and thank fuck I don’t but still it’s disturbing me.

It’s awful but I get these urges around family members and I just don’t know why it’s so confusing.

At times it seems like the only option and I will physically shake with what feels like anger. The urge and voice inside telling me to hurt and destroy. But why? I don’t know why I would need to do this so why do I feel it?!

I don’t think I can ever tell anyone I know about these feelings/urges. Not even professional therapists.

Am I alone or do others have this voice wanting them to be violent ? (I said voice, I’m pretty sure it’s my own voice telling me).

I feel more alone that ever. Yesterday my mood changed and I properly felt it, like I was not in my body and I observed the moment it just switched as if floating above.

Author: mentalhealthdiary.com

Just a stranger writing about their life as a mental illness sufferer. I hope you can relate to the content on my site :)

12 thoughts on “10th Feb 18′ – Violent Thought’s”

  1. It is a popular question: “felt like hurting yourselves or others”, which tells me you are not alone. I have never felt that urge, but maybe search a bit more online? As I’ve said, if is a standard question, so you are not the only one to ever experience this. Meanwhile, think about what violence means to you. To me, it would be a one way ticket to “the end”, because I am a small person with no way of keeping my end on a fight. Is it an attempt then to end your own life (socially, economically, a.k.a. jail time)?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. So, if you become unforgivable, is that “good enough” reason to take your own life? It seems your mind is playing depression tricks on you. Can you find a way to talk about this with your therapist?

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  2. It might be useful to talk about it to because it mostly because it seems like something that would be hard to overcome without digging deep into it with someone who can bring a more objective viewpoint. I can see how it would definitely be a hard topic to bring up – maybe it would be a bit easier if you disclosed the thoughts but not the urges to act on them?

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      1. A good therapist should treat thoughts of harming others the same way as thoughts of suicide, i.e. as thoughts rather than as necessarily a danger. Especially since the thoughts aren’t specifically focused on the therapist, they shouldn’t make an issue of it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well, I suppose in the end the risk of you kicking the crap out of therapist is the same whether you tell them or not. Opening up would show more commitment to not acting out those thoughts than the alternatives of keeping it quiet or making threats. Probably best to do what feels right to you rather than going by trying to predict how the therapist might react.

        Liked by 1 person

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