Mood – Feeling accomplished
I’ve been doing some ‘soul searching’ and really trying to take my life by the balls. One thing I struggle with is not feeling like I have any purpose. I think it’s a common feeling amongst people with BPD – having no sense of self, who am I, what am I doing here etc. So I stumbled across ‘Personal Purpose Statements’, they are what they say on the tin. A simple statement that you feel is your purpose in life. Now, it’s absolutely solid working out what your purpose is anyway but that’s OK, plus, it might change and adapt over the years as you’re exposed to new experiences and gain new knowledge.
I’ve found the whole process of working it out and penning it quite satisfying and it actually has given me a stronger sense of what my purpose is! So I’ll count that as a big win. I’m not naive enough to think that this will be me on the straight a narrow forever but as long as this statement is online and set in stone I can refer back to it.
This is my Personal Purpose Statement:
“To make my life as easy and stress free as possible. The world is hectic enough, we’re only here for a finite amount of time so lets relax and enjoy the ride. Things are only as stressful as you believe them to be, I hope to spread this positive outlook to others.”
You can see it’s permanent home HERE
Why don’t you make your own 🙂
Feeling – anxious
I’ve just got into work and I already feel like this is going to be another day of procrastination. It makes me feel lazy, like I’m ‘ripping off’ my boss. But I just can’t bring myself to actually work. I just try to cling on to the end of the day and let the anxiety run its course until it subsides.
I’ve managed to keep my mental illness secret from the workplace but days like this I really struggle and I struggle in silence.
Feeling – weird
So I’ve procrastinated most of the day chasing wikirabbits. I just can’t concentrate on anything…and I don’t really give a fuck about much today. I’m trying to lift my spirits by binge eating but I know I’ll feel worse after.
Whilst reading through Wikipedia I started looking into suicide articles, suicide method’s etc. All very interesting but probably not the best material for me to be reading.
I told my OH that I think I’m getting ‘ill’ again and they recommended I go back to my local mental health team. I don’t feel ill enough for that sort of help.. but I know it can creep up on you quickly and before you know it you’re up shit creek with some booze and razor blades.
Anyway back to the wiki stuff, looked into assisted suicide and different companies that you can visit / pay to basically end your time on this planet. It’s interesting stuff, I won’t go into it in detail on here though.
Mood – worried
This is my first entry in ages, few reasons I stopped blogging my diary but the main one was I felt alright. My depression lifted and I didn’t want to be reminded of it by looking through past posts.
I ended my RO DBT group & one to one therapy as I was feeling good. Life was on track.
But recently I’ve noticed some things creeping in, things that happen when my mood is changing. Here’s what I’ve noticed:
- I’m having to force myself to shower.
- I have no energy or interest in anything. I’ve lost interest in my one and only hobby (online gaming).
- I’ve started to forget things, like I’m not really present in a lot of situations so I’m forgetting simple stuff I wouldn’t normally.
- I’m taking myself away to be alone more, I don’t want to see friends or family.
- I’m comfort eating.
Now they’re pretty big warning signs and I’ve never been able to stop my mood changing before. This is however one of the first times I’ve actually identified the change which I’m happy with. Show I’m learning more about myself I guess.
The timing seems about right aswell which is crazy! I’ve been well for 2 -3 months, and it’ll cycle like this, 3 – 6 months of depression mixed in with a few weeks/month of mania and then alright for a little bit. I think I’ve actually wrote that down somewhere else on this site.
Anyway, I’m trying to come to terms that this is just what my brain does. The big difficult question that looms is – can I do this forever? One thing I’ve noticed over the last few years is each period of depression/mania is worse than the last. I’ve coped less. It’s like the emotions are so much stronger each time round.
Anyway, I’m going to make some time for myself and try do some things that make me happy. I’ll also try keep this up-to-date because I think it’ll be useful to track if my mood is changing.