6th Dec 17′ Fuck Off

20:04 I don’t think it’s a legitimate coping strategy but I have been saying fuck off, fuck off, fuck off out loud for the last 15 mins. What it is right, i just felt a wave of shit come down on me. I thought I was alright like I was cured and then bang. Hello. Just like you always are, whey! Thought you could get away from me eh. Its coursing through my body and I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. That sickening numbness. I tried fending it off with my fuck offs. But I’m increasingly feeling desperate. What do I do. What even is this ? Am I depressed? Possessed? It’s scary. 

TRIGGERS YES ok so I think this has been triggered by my daughter kicking off. Disrespectful, awful, talking to me and wife like shit. I’m powerless to actually do anything. I can see my wife is distraught but she puts on a smile. Yes that’s it. 

7th Nov 17′

21:44 So the meeting went great. But I’ve been on the go 16 hours now and wife has just text me kicking off saying I didn’t text her enough during the day. So I’ve tried desperately with all the skills I know to keep on top of my mood and calm it down but I can’t. I’m furious. And now I feel like I don’t give a fuck and she can fuck off. I want to get pissed and hurt myself. Also I sent a message in a group chat that has been ignored. So now I look fucking stupid too

12:30 Nearly at London for my meeting. Doing controlled breathing to calm myself. Feel very tense and panicky

3rd Nov 17′

21:18 Tenant issue sorted it was just for universal credits. Phew.

20:20 Back home. Feel ok, still have the tenant issue on my mind. I’ve messaged her asking why she wants the address. Going to have a couple of beers and play some computer games

18:47 My tenant asked me for my address earlier. Didn’t think anything of it but now my head has gone into tail spin. Why did she want my address? Is she handing a notice in? I can’t afford to not have a tenant….I can’t cope with the stress of having to find another one or do the house up. Right before Christmas as well. I can’t deal with that. I would rather kill myself.

18:20 Wife had a little go at me about putting shopping away. I didn’t say anything but I’m raging inside

17:16 Wife doesn’t let me go shopping anymore because I spend too much

16:46 Got in from meeting with Bob my CPN. Wife seems snappy. I feel ok but I’m aware of how shes coming across. I greeted my son and got told straight away not to wind him up. She speaks to the kids like ‘dont worry dad will do that, dad will put that on’ etc. Which sounds harmless but it’s a subtle way of controlling me.

31st Oct 17′

20:00 Feel ok.

17:15 Just sat in my car after work. Don’t want to go home and see anyone. Just want to be alone

15:25 Yeah dropping fast. Feel fucking awful would love to be hit by a lorry right now. Having to put a fake face on at work and everyone around me has no idea I’m completely dead inside

15:22 Mood dropping. Nothing happened to trigger it. Tried distracting myself by cleaning desk/drawers. Got an awful feeling something bad is going to happen stomach turning

11:47 Feel ok. Had interviews this morning things are going well. Had a bit of a low mood first thing but ok now. I’m trying to use skills to help with my mood fluctuations but I’m struggling with it. What else can I do ?

25th Oct 17′

21:00 Pulled alot of my beard hair out and ate it. Must be anxiety but not sure what from

20:17  Buzzing because I got loads of cheap deals in m&s.

15:04  Just finished DBT. Feel really good – first time since starting. A few things were different, I was more open, Sue (CPN) was there, the ‘noisiest’ in the group were not present

13:57 Opened up about situation at work, talked to the group. Sat in a way that is open – laid back, arms open. Palms up when I can. Feeling happy, efficient and cured (probably a bit optimistic)

12:57  Half smile skill used. Gave me a little boost

12:15 Productive morning. Feel good and positive. Just heading to DBT, usually feel anxious but feel OK.

 

24th Oct 17′

22:07 Massively overindulged on food

19:48 Have been pulling me hair out and eating it most of the day. Had bad anxiety but that has settled a little. This affected work today as I got little done not being able to concentrate. Had interviews sprung on me that I have to do next Tuesday, never interviewed anyone and I have 3 in one day back to back. Maybe that triggered the anxiety.

09:45 Taking control of the day and hammering through my workload. Getting stuff done. Feel in control and ‘happy’? Maybe, not sure.

08:02  Distracting myself with my works Todo list and other tasks I have on. No idea what emotion.

07:58 Trying to keep a positive outlook as I can feel little niggling thoughts creeping in. One of I should just kill myself. Not really any reason I can think off and morning went perfectly fine. Observed & described. Mindful breakfast & breathing. Don’t feel any particular emotion.