9th Dec 17′ – So Angry I Could Explode

20:18 Things had been going great until this evening. First I’ll explain the situation:

My little boy (2.5 years old) has chicken pox, really isn’t well and very unsettled. I was driving home with him in the back and we pulled up near home and started reversing into a space. A young lad flew up behind me and drove into the space, jumped out the car and went to the cash machine – absolutely knew I was going in there because I beeped at him. So naturally, I was angry. But I had my son in the back who was crying, probably wondering why we were just sat there waiting for this inconsiderate arsehole to move. He comes back to his car, drives past and this is where he and his female passenger stick their fingers up at me. I mean fuck me. Come on, you’ve been an absolute bell end stealing my space and now you’re going to swear at me? That’s the situation. Let the rage flow below.

Mental Health Diary - Anger Issues

I swear to fucking god (I’m not even religious) if I see that little wham boy and his lass again I’ll snap her fucking fingers off and poke them through his eyes. Who the fuck do they think they are? Taking the piss out of people, swanning around like they own the place. If my boy hadn’t been in the back of my car I wouldn’t have thought twice about driving over his head and eating his corpse. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. And now I am relentlessly trawling through Facebook to see if I can recognise him.

I obviously need to calm down. I’m not normally an angry person. There’s also a moral to this story – don’t be a dick to people for no reason, because you don’t know if that person has a personality disorder and will hunt you down with a hammer. Thank your lucky stars I stayed in my car.

See the shit thing is as well, this anger rarely is projected outwards, it goes inwards. So now I’m just bubbling with rage inside with no outlet. How do I get rid of this rage?!

6th Dec 17′ Fuck Off

20:04 I don’t think it’s a legitimate coping strategy but I have been saying fuck off, fuck off, fuck off out loud for the last 15 mins. What it is right, i just felt a wave of shit come down on me. I thought I was alright like I was cured and then bang. Hello. Just like you always are, whey! Thought you could get away from me eh. Its coursing through my body and I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. That sickening numbness. I tried fending it off with my fuck offs. But I’m increasingly feeling desperate. What do I do. What even is this ? Am I depressed? Possessed? It’s scary. 

TRIGGERS YES ok so I think this has been triggered by my daughter kicking off. Disrespectful, awful, talking to me and wife like shit. I’m powerless to actually do anything. I can see my wife is distraught but she puts on a smile. Yes that’s it. 

28th Nov 17′

22:47 My mind has just exploded in technicolour. Joseph is riding a chameleon shaped skateboard kick flipping over my synapses. Singing, Audioslave at the top of my beautiful voice. SHOOOWWW MEEE HOWWW TOO LIVEEEE

20:24 Struggling. I’ve had a pretty good day up until a couple of hours ago when I noticed my mood changing. I was becoming snappy, moody, angry. Like a dark cloud was descending upon me and I engaged it in combat. I tried fighting but it won, as always.  Now I sit on my own, in the dark with only the light of this computer screen. My limbs feel heavy, emotion has been sapped from me and I just feel numb. Hollow.

There has been no trigger, I just always seem to go to this dark place after being on top of the world.

On my way down I detach. Everything has lost all meaning, nothing is good or bad. Nothing exists.

Listening to Linkin Park & Chris Cornell. When I kill myself I’ll hang.

22nd Nov 17′

20:21 Buzzing. Tea is nearly ready and I’m starving. Listening to music, singing and dancing. This is way to enjoy a night! Woo

19:28  I think I should have contacted my crisis team before this point

19:26  Well tonight hasn’t gone well. I’ve fallen out with my family. Sleeping alone tonight. Self harm, self loathing. It’s not a life worth living

19:22 I’ve cut myself. I had to stop the build up of pressure. I’ve felt a release. I know this isn’t an effective coping strategy but what the hell am I supposed to do when I feel like this

19:17 I’m angry at my care. They make me say stuff I don’t mean and come to conclusions I don’t agree with. I don’t need anybody anymore fuck the lot of them. What an absolute farce life is

18:51 I can’t calm down. I’m boiling, stiff. My head is throbbing especially across the forehead and back of head. See I normally turn anger and rage inwards and I can feel it overflowing outwards now

18:49 Seething with rage. Daughter has been so disrespectful. My blood feels like it has been lit on fire. I have to leave the house as soon as possible before I explode.

18:00 Felt anxious most of the day. I’ve been pulling my beard out and eating it. Now my face is all sore and patchy. Not a productive day at all, I’ve procrastinated most of it. It’s times like this I wish I was living alone in the woods in a log cabin. I’ve come home from work and I can’t deal with my kids kicking off, it stresses me out and makes me feel sick in my stomach

18th Nov 17′

18:18 Had a bath. Feel great, got plans for the future thought out and everything is going to be fine.

17:41 Tried meditating but I think I did more harm than good. My mind started flitting and latched onto a negative memory and I couldn’t stop it playing out. Snapped myself out of it but now I feel shit

16:30 Feel better. Deep cleaning the house and rearranging furniture.

15:40 Wife has bought me some chocolate and I’m going to have a bath

15:38 Trying distract skill. Cleaning house. Still feel so much pressure in my neck, shoulders, head. I’ve gone from wanting to kill myself to wanting to destroy something. Anything

14:25 I wish I was dead

14:24 Fucking stressed. So many things have just popped up that I can’t afford before Christmas but I have to. What the fuck am I going to do

09:32 Forcing myself to go to the park with family. Really don’t want to see or speak to anyone

16th Nov 17′

22:10 I was ok but got the urge to self harm out of the blue. It was like a rush of despair washed over me. Like I’m going to die. I cut myself. Now I’m going to bed

07:30 It’s taking everything I’ve got to not walk out of work and be gone forever. I’m so confused at what’s happening inside my head. I can’t stop spending money I shouldn’t be spending, I have bursts of feeling eurphoric then crushing depression where I have to drink, eat, cut to stave it off until next time. I can’t keep doing this

8th Nov 17′

20:10 Crying

16:32 Did the face in cold water skill. Sort of worked. I’m still feeling absolutely shit but the urge to cut myself stopped.

16:17 So now my wife is saying I always just leave when it gets hard…but yeah I do for a reason. When I don’t it makes me really ill. She knows I can’t cope with it yet if I stay and try to help I get shouted at because I’m not allowed to try sort the situation out myself. I always escalate the situation if I stay. I can’t live my whole life like this

16:07 So I was perfectly happy having the best day until I’ve got to wifes. Daughter has been really naughty and disrespectful. Talking to me and wife like shit. It’s totally ruined my mood.

14:05 Pure class. DBT is a little depressing listening to people when I’m so happy 😂

08:57 Yeah brill. Singing all morning. Feel good