This is my first entry in ages, few reasons I stopped blogging my diary but the main one was I felt alright. My depression lifted and I didn’t want to be reminded of it by looking through past posts.
I ended my RO DBT group & one to one therapy as I was feeling good. Life was on track.
But recently I’ve noticed some things creeping in, things that happen when my mood is changing. Here’s what I’ve noticed:
I’m having to force myself to shower.
I have no energy or interest in anything. I’ve lost interest in my one and only hobby (online gaming).
I’ve started to forget things, like I’m not really present in a lot of situations so I’m forgetting simple stuff I wouldn’t normally.
I’m taking myself away to be alone more, I don’t want to see friends or family.
I’m comfort eating.
Now they’re pretty big warning signs and I’ve never been able to stop my mood changing before. This is however one of the first times I’ve actually identified the change which I’m happy with. Show I’m learning more about myself I guess.
The timing seems about right aswell which is crazy! I’ve been well for 2 -3 months, and it’ll cycle like this, 3 – 6 months of depression mixed in with a few weeks/month of mania and then alright for a little bit. I think I’ve actually wrote that down somewhere else on this site.
Anyway, I’m trying to come to terms that this is just what my brain does. The big difficult question that looms is – can I do this forever? One thing I’ve noticed over the last few years is each period of depression/mania is worse than the last. I’ve coped less. It’s like the emotions are so much stronger each time round.
Anyway, I’m going to make some time for myself and try do some things that make me happy. I’ll also try keep this up-to-date because I think it’ll be useful to track if my mood is changing.
20:21 You know when you can feel dread creeping on you? It shuffles in throughout the day, just reminding you that it’s there and it’ll get ya. You’ll think you’re find one minute and the next that darkness is just sat, probably not waving but sticking it’s fingers up at you.
It’s here. I know it is. I’ve felt it all day but have tried to blank it. Now that I’m sat down, all alone at home I feel trapped in my seat. Almost as if my life is being sapped from me, drained out of my body. I’m heavy but hollow, anchored to the ground but adrift in nothingness.
I desperately searched for and watched ‘make me happy’ videos on YouTube earlier, it worked for a brief moment.
I’m fat, awful, ugly, lazy, stupid, pathetic, worthless, shit, annoying, a stain, a disease. A parasite.
20:04 I don’t think it’s a legitimate coping strategy but I have been saying fuck off, fuck off, fuck off out loud for the last 15 mins. What it is right, i just felt a wave of shit come down on me. I thought I was alright like I was cured and then bang. Hello. Just like you always are, whey! Thought you could get away from me eh. Its coursing through my body and I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. That sickening numbness. I tried fending it off with my fuck offs. But I’m increasingly feeling desperate. What do I do. What even is this ? Am I depressed? Possessed? It’s scary.
TRIGGERS YES ok so I think this has been triggered by my daughter kicking off. Disrespectful, awful, talking to me and wife like shit. I’m powerless to actually do anything. I can see my wife is distraught but she puts on a smile. Yes that’s it.
18:30 haven’t been home for a couple of days because of work. I think they have been storing up all the fucking stress for me! Wife is miserable and snapping at everyone, daughter is full of attitude and winding the wife up. Son is just shouting and not listening to anyone. I’m keeping my cool but I can feel myself getting irritated and angry.
Annnd now me and the wife have had an argument and she’s upstairs not talking to me. How fucking shit are relationships really?! It’s just other people, I don’t think I was designed to have any form of relationship with another person. I don’t know what it is but I just do not get other people.
22:47 My mind has just exploded in technicolour. Joseph is riding a chameleon shaped skateboard kick flipping over my synapses. Singing, Audioslave at the top of my beautiful voice. SHOOOWWW MEEE HOWWW TOO LIVEEEE
20:24 Struggling. I’ve had a pretty good day up until a couple of hours ago when I noticed my mood changing. I was becoming snappy, moody, angry. Like a dark cloud was descending upon me and I engaged it in combat. I tried fighting but it won, as always. Now I sit on my own, in the dark with only the light of this computer screen. My limbs feel heavy, emotion has been sapped from me and I just feel numb. Hollow.
There has been no trigger, I just always seem to go to this dark place after being on top of the world.
On my way down I detach. Everything has lost all meaning, nothing is good or bad. Nothing exists.
Listening to Linkin Park & Chris Cornell. When I kill myself I’ll hang.
18:18 Had a bath. Feel great, got plans for the future thought out and everything is going to be fine.
17:41 Tried meditating but I think I did more harm than good. My mind started flitting and latched onto a negative memory and I couldn’t stop it playing out. Snapped myself out of it but now I feel shit
16:30 Feel better. Deep cleaning the house and rearranging furniture.
15:40 Wife has bought me some chocolate and I’m going to have a bath
15:38 Trying distract skill. Cleaning house. Still feel so much pressure in my neck, shoulders, head. I’ve gone from wanting to kill myself to wanting to destroy something. Anything
14:25 I wish I was dead
14:24 Fucking stressed. So many things have just popped up that I can’t afford before Christmas but I have to. What the fuck am I going to do
09:32 Forcing myself to go to the park with family. Really don’t want to see or speak to anyone