6th Dec 17′ Fuck Off

20:04 I don’t think it’s a legitimate coping strategy but I have been saying fuck off, fuck off, fuck off out loud for the last 15 mins. What it is right, i just felt a wave of shit come down on me. I thought I was alright like I was cured and then bang. Hello. Just like you always are, whey! Thought you could get away from me eh. Its coursing through my body and I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. That sickening numbness. I tried fending it off with my fuck offs. But I’m increasingly feeling desperate. What do I do. What even is this ? Am I depressed? Possessed? It’s scary. 

TRIGGERS YES ok so I think this has been triggered by my daughter kicking off. Disrespectful, awful, talking to me and wife like shit. I’m powerless to actually do anything. I can see my wife is distraught but she puts on a smile. Yes that’s it. 

1st Dec 17′

21:43 all sound and happy. 

18:30 haven’t been home for a couple of days because of work. I think they have been storing up all the fucking stress for me! Wife is miserable and snapping at everyone, daughter is full of attitude and winding the wife up. Son is just shouting and not listening to anyone. I’m keeping my cool but I can feel myself getting irritated and angry. 

Annnd now me and the wife have had an argument and she’s upstairs not talking to me. How fucking shit are relationships really?! It’s just other people, I don’t think I was designed to have any form of relationship with another person. I don’t know what it is but I just do not get other people. 

Fuck everyone and everything. 

24th Nov 17′

19:43 drunk 🙄 German market in town and I went out with work friends for first time in ages. It was lovely like I actually had friends. I feel ok but felt like I always put on an act. To be honest I don’t even know who the real me is so everything could be an act.

10:20 Woke up (earlier than this BTW) absolutely buzzing like a rocket had gone off in my anal cavity. Blasting Korn on the way to work, loads of coffee, breakfast sarnie. YESSSSS. Nothing can stop me today!!

8th Nov 17′

20:10 Crying

16:32 Did the face in cold water skill. Sort of worked. I’m still feeling absolutely shit but the urge to cut myself stopped.

16:17 So now my wife is saying I always just leave when it gets hard…but yeah I do for a reason. When I don’t it makes me really ill. She knows I can’t cope with it yet if I stay and try to help I get shouted at because I’m not allowed to try sort the situation out myself. I always escalate the situation if I stay. I can’t live my whole life like this

16:07 So I was perfectly happy having the best day until I’ve got to wifes. Daughter has been really naughty and disrespectful. Talking to me and wife like shit. It’s totally ruined my mood.

14:05 Pure class. DBT is a little depressing listening to people when I’m so happy 😂

08:57 Yeah brill. Singing all morning. Feel good

5th Nov 17′

20:34 Just got back from fireworks with daughter. Had fun, have had a good day.

10:40 Daughter is kicking off about getting ready and I can feel the stress building in my neck. It aches

10:14 Researching how to start again with a new life. I can know who I am if I create a new life. I need to change my name

08:33 One of those ‘change’ days where it feels like a pivotal point in my life. So now I think I’ll be a hardcore footy fan and buy a season ticket. And start going to bed early every night.

4th Nov 17′

19:16 Watching serial killer videos & typing up a chronological timeline of events I can remember. I need to understand what is wrong with me and why

18:02 Could feel myself slipping into my own head. Just sat very still, I feel me detach from my body like I’m not part of it anymore. I think this is why I am not afraid to die, I don’t feel like it will actually be me dying. Just this body I am in

17:48 Just on social media seeing everyone happy. I know that people only put the best things on there but it’s truly depressing when I’m on my own with a bottle of gin. They all have friends and people they like that they spend time with. They’re happy and I’m fucking miserable

17:32 Still sat in my car. Step dad walking past and I swear he caught my eye and looked away. Why? I think people don’t like speaking to me I don’t know why. It’s like I’m inferior to them and they don’t have the time to speak to scum like me.

17:25 Left wife early, no reason. Got 1ltr of gin and a bottle of wine, I’ll be drinking that tonight and getting drunk on my own. I think I’ll probably be too drunk to feel anything bad

16:55 Last min trip to McDonald’s before picking wifeup. Got to McDonald’s daughter asked for a happy meal accidentally and wanted a adult meal so started kicking off which was annoying considering I was treating her. Then after I ordered everything I got to the drive thru till and they weren’t accepting card…I didn’t have enough money for the food only the happy meal. My stomach turned and I could feel rage burning inside of me. I went quiet and into myself.

15:10 Feel fine. Done some cleaning the kids have been good. Wife finishes at 5. Not sure what I’m doing tonight whether I’m going home at 7.30 or staying abit later

11:33 Hyper is wearing off. Feel I’m getting to normal

11:14 Energy explosion. Told off by wife because I won’t stop screaming and dancing 😬😬😬😬🤪🤪🤪🤪

10:59 Going up to wife now feeling happy to see kids and have a bacon butty

09:53 Woke up, computer on. Feel ok. I’ll be getting ready and going to wifes to look after the kids at 1130.