Chester Bennington

Chester Bennington, Mental Health & It’s Impact On Me.

Chester Bennington Mental Health Diary

A lot of people will know that Linkin Park’s frontman Chester Bennington died 20th July 2017. The reason I am writing about him here is because his death had a huge impact on my life. I never thought the death of a ‘celebrity’ would affect me but the news of his passing and more so, how his passing came about, sank me into one of the deepest depressions I have ever endured.

During this depression I wrote a suicide note and planned how I would kill myself. I got a will in order and planned out my funeral arrangements.

Once I learned that Chester had committed suicide I had a sort of tribute night where I sat and listened to his music and sang along. Then I began seeing details of his death and this is where the downfall in my mood came. I started obsessing (and I mean, really obsessing) about his death, his suicide. How he did it. I spent weeks sat in front of the computer every night crying full of despair. I could not stop thinking about hanging myself so I research how to do it ‘right’. I knew the materials Chester used and I was ready to join him. I don’t know what stopped me in the end but eventually I came out the other side. I can’t believe I grieved for a person I did not really know other than their music.

I suppose what this shows me is that anything can affect anyone in anyway. It has made me a more compassionate person.

Some of the stuff listed below I know triggered me when I was in that depression. I can write it now without going back to that place but I just want to lay it down and be as honest with myself as I can be.

During my depression…

Songs I listened to:

 

Facts I learned about Chester’s Death:

  • He committed suicide by hanging himself.
  • He had ecstasy and a little bit of alcohol in his system when he died.
  • He died on the birthday of his good friend Chris Cornell (front man of Audioslave/Soundgarden).
  • He did not leave a suicide note – I obviously don’t know the reason why he didn’t. I guess if you are in that much pain at the time you will scramble to do anything to stop the pain. A note might be the last thing on your mind.

 

At the risk of sounding like a cheesy teenage fanboy, I love you Chester.

 

6 thoughts on “Chester Bennington”

  1. My first reaction to his passing was shock. This is a man who had family, friends and fan support. How much darkness and pain it must have been to overhelm him so. I hope I never find out. Second reaction was sadness… I dusted off the CDs and listened to old favorites again. How those songs could put into words what I could not. “Papercut” remains the best lyrics for anxiety in my opinion. Third reaction was powerlessness and anger. How could this man, this scrawny looking stranger with the kind eyes have helped me so much and I didn’t help him at all? I bought his music, the end. How could he be so much light while he himself was in darkness? I hate the lack of sense of it. Fuck depression and everyone out there who doesn’t believe it. Fuck everyone who will blame it on drugs. Those drugs may have given him more comfort than those judgemental fucks who don’t believe in depression ever did. Those fuckers who drink alcohol daily to “chill” but think mental health pills are “terrible” and hope I will quit them soon. No I am not endorsing drug use, but hate how often people overlook the mental health aspect and pile up on drug abuse. How relieved some people seem to feel if the authopsy says drugs were involved. The relief comes from the fear… How terrifying if he did it with a “clear” mind? It shows that depression exists, and some would rather pretend that is not real for as long as they can. Tragedy without acceptable justification brings us all terror that it could happen to us.

    BTW dear stranger who makes this blog, thank you for the space. Not many places I’d feel comfortable sharing this. I am glad you keep on going. This is all a big network or strangers helping each other. Don’t go down if you can help it. Find a person you can do reality checks with when you feel suicidal. “I am shit, real or not real?” (“never real, always true”, but we cannot tell the difference when we are drowning in a puddle of mud). It helped me on the bad phases this year. (Yeah I’m a nerd and got part of that reality check idea from the Hunger Games books).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Firstly to the last bit of your comment. Thank you 🙂 I’m actually quite surprised, I thought the site itself would just be an online diary that had zero interaction. The only visits being myself. So the fact you are here actually conversing with me over something I have written is amazing. It’s made it truly worth it. I like the reality check idea, I haven’t read the books but watched the film’s. It is impossibly hard when you go to that dark place though as you probably know. Everything loses meaning so I don’t actually care if I die, I don’t think about anything other than not feeling that way anymore.

      Regarding Chester, it was an absolute shock wasn’t it! But that’s the scary thing, so many people out there can be suffering, in the darkest places. Feeling that the only way out is suicide. Yet you can speak to them and they’ll seem totally normal. I know this from experience, I have gone from speaking to family perfectly fine, laughing. Then literally seconds later cutting myself because I was too overwhelmed with emotions.

      How good was hybrid theory though ?! I remember going through 2 – 3 CDs of that because I used it that much 😂 absolute perfect teen album. After Chester’s death I’ve analysed alot of linkin park’s lyrics. My analysis was probably biased as I was looking for signs of distress but so many songs sounded like a cry for help. Or depicting real inner struggles.

      With you on fucking depression. Most cases of drug use is purely from a trying to cope perspective. Unfortunately depression, or for that matter any mental illness is only something those who are or have suffered from it will understand. There’s no way it could be understood outside of that. My own mother for example thinks that I just get abit sad sometimes 😂 I’ve explained personality disorders to her but still, no progress there.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I believe the more we write the more people we may find to share with. I also started more as a journal thing, but the intent is to meet people that go through similar situations, so I am glad it is working. It is a relief to find out not to be alone. You have better discipline than me on this, I have lazily kept my tracker on the phone, need to go back to it. Still haven’t decided if I should go back to psychologist since I seem better… reason says I should go back, but I’m afraid to feel silly being there feeling alright.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Totally agree, I’m so happy I’ve found this hidden community of like minded people.

        I get what you’re saying, you certainly wouldn’t look silly. I think it’s a good thing for your psychologist to see the different moods maybe? So I had a session with mine yesterday but was perfectly fine. That’s actually the first time she has seen me like that so now knows first hand that part of me exists.

        That said, does it cost you to go see one? If I had to pay and felt alright I dare say I probably wouldn’t go. I don’t know if that’s the right or wrong decision.

        Like

      3. Excellent point on how seeing the good mood will show the therapist that part of me exists. It is the goal I told him: I want to know if this is my personality or really a disorder and there is a chance I can feel better.

        Liked by 1 person

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