I am going to try and explain my diagnosis from my perspective, so yes bits may be medically incorrect butt fuck it, it’s my diagnosis. Do what I want with it. This is my understanding of it which has come about from self research, experience and speaking to my therapist.
Best start with the obvious, mixed personality disorder is NOT the same as multiple personality disorder.
I am more this:
And NOT this:
You know personality disorders right? Well a diagnosis of ‘mixed personality disorder’ is fairly self explanatory – it’s a mix of different personality disorders. Where symptoms don’t just fit under one disorder. My symptoms sit heavily under 5 different personality disorders (borderline, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive, schizoid and paranoid). I won’t go into detail, the symptoms of each can be found here 🙂
What it ‘feels’ like
These are some of symptoms I experience with this illness:
- Dissociation/detachment – to protect myself from stress I go into my head and then leave my body often just observing my body going through the motions. This is quite a disturbing state and one that usually leads to self harm or tumbling further into a depression.
- Extreme highs and lows within hours of each other. I can be screaming, singing and dancing. Head hanging out of the car window shouting at people with joy…And then crashing through the ground wishing I was fucking dead. If I have to describe my mood like this I would say I feel it’s on a knife edge and can be tipped either way even by something tiny.
- Who am I? I have no idea. I have spent so many years splitting my personality to suit my surroundings that I have lost all sense of self. I don’t know who the ‘true’ me is anymore which is quite sad really. It’s probably one of the biggest issues for me, it really affects me that I don’t know who I am and it’s tiring being so many different things to so many different people.
- Loneliness. I find it almost impossible to maintain relationships with anyone so I end up alone, sometimes by choice sometimes not. It’s incredibly lonely and I look at other people all enjoying things with friends and family and I long for that. This is like a double edged sword, avoiding people keeps me safe but it also means I have no support network to help me through the hard times.
There are a handful more but you get the idea.
Treatment of this mental illness?
Very fucking hard I imagine! I feel a bit sorry for the medical professionals that have to treat people with mixed personality disorders, not only are some of the disorders difficult to treat in their own right, there are multiple layers of disorders. This isn’t to say I agree with the stigma (this article goes some way to explaining this stigma) attached to disorders such as borderline but I know, just from how I feel, that it’s difficult to treat. Some days I actually feel like I am cured and do not need any help, others I feel utterly hopeless and treatment is pointless because I will always be like this. Obviously underlying all of this is just a completely broken soul that wants to be ‘normal’.
Sometimes I feel like I get fobbed off or humoured by the mental health support I get. I know they do a fantastic job but I can’t help how I feel. Take DBT for example, I’ve struggled to accept it will help me and my CPN/therapists can see that. From that though they might jump to the conclusion that I just ain’t bothered, I don’t want to be helped etc. Not true!! I’m absolutely desperate for help. I genuinely 100% believe that I will not live to grow old.
Hopefully that makes sense and you can relate to it. If not, shot me a message and I’ll try explain it better.