2nd Dec 17′

23:16 die die die die die haha fucking cunt I want to destroy trash burn annihilate. Where is my sister she would join me in this!!!!! Boooyyyyaaa fuck yeah motherfucker

23.06 mad one today hence the late entry! Been looking after my son all day, love that little lad. I often think he’s the only reason I’m alive today, without him I’d be dead. I’m going to see Liam Gallagher tomorrow and I’m going to be off my tits on booze and drugs. Fucking rock n roll sunshine. 

I’d say this is out of character but I don’t give a fuck me, do what I want when I want and if the world crumbles or I die in the process then so be it. I’m going out in a blaze of glory my friend 

1st Dec 17′

21:43 all sound and happy. 

18:30 haven’t been home for a couple of days because of work. I think they have been storing up all the fucking stress for me! Wife is miserable and snapping at everyone, daughter is full of attitude and winding the wife up. Son is just shouting and not listening to anyone. I’m keeping my cool but I can feel myself getting irritated and angry. 

Annnd now me and the wife have had an argument and she’s upstairs not talking to me. How fucking shit are relationships really?! It’s just other people, I don’t think I was designed to have any form of relationship with another person. I don’t know what it is but I just do not get other people. 

Fuck everyone and everything. 

29th Nov 17′

13:16 so busy the ends of my fingers set on fire off my keyboard. Work is manic right now which actually works really well for me, the busier and more occupied I am the better! I actually don’t have much to say here so bye. 

07:08 Today has started off great, I’m sleeping in cos I’m badass and can do what I want. Also a complete stranger posted a lovely comment on my site yesterday and it wasn’t what they wrote that has made me feel happy it’s that someone has spoke to me. I know that sounds sad af 😂 but it’s genuine. I could never tell anyone how I was feeling before this blog but now I have communicated with someone ands it ok. I feel better. It’s made me realise the significance of just talking, regardless of the subject. Even just a hello can brighten someone’s day and you never, have an even bigger impact on their day.

I will add to this blog post later in the day, just need to say that this morning 😊

28th Nov 17′

22:47 My mind has just exploded in technicolour. Joseph is riding a chameleon shaped skateboard kick flipping over my synapses. Singing, Audioslave at the top of my beautiful voice. SHOOOWWW MEEE HOWWW TOO LIVEEEE

20:24 Struggling. I’ve had a pretty good day up until a couple of hours ago when I noticed my mood changing. I was becoming snappy, moody, angry. Like a dark cloud was descending upon me and I engaged it in combat. I tried fighting but it won, as always.  Now I sit on my own, in the dark with only the light of this computer screen. My limbs feel heavy, emotion has been sapped from me and I just feel numb. Hollow.

There has been no trigger, I just always seem to go to this dark place after being on top of the world.

On my way down I detach. Everything has lost all meaning, nothing is good or bad. Nothing exists.

Listening to Linkin Park & Chris Cornell. When I kill myself I’ll hang.

24th Nov 17′

19:43 drunk 🙄 German market in town and I went out with work friends for first time in ages. It was lovely like I actually had friends. I feel ok but felt like I always put on an act. To be honest I don’t even know who the real me is so everything could be an act.

10:20 Woke up (earlier than this BTW) absolutely buzzing like a rocket had gone off in my anal cavity. Blasting Korn on the way to work, loads of coffee, breakfast sarnie. YESSSSS. Nothing can stop me today!!