1st Dec 17′

21:43 all sound and happy. 

18:30 haven’t been home for a couple of days because of work. I think they have been storing up all the fucking stress for me! Wife is miserable and snapping at everyone, daughter is full of attitude and winding the wife up. Son is just shouting and not listening to anyone. I’m keeping my cool but I can feel myself getting irritated and angry. 

Annnd now me and the wife have had an argument and she’s upstairs not talking to me. How fucking shit are relationships really?! It’s just other people, I don’t think I was designed to have any form of relationship with another person. I don’t know what it is but I just do not get other people. 

Fuck everyone and everything. 

29th Nov 17′

13:16 so busy the ends of my fingers set on fire off my keyboard. Work is manic right now which actually works really well for me, the busier and more occupied I am the better! I actually don’t have much to say here so bye. 

07:08 Today has started off great, I’m sleeping in cos I’m badass and can do what I want. Also a complete stranger posted a lovely comment on my site yesterday and it wasn’t what they wrote that has made me feel happy it’s that someone has spoke to me. I know that sounds sad af 😂 but it’s genuine. I could never tell anyone how I was feeling before this blog but now I have communicated with someone ands it ok. I feel better. It’s made me realise the significance of just talking, regardless of the subject. Even just a hello can brighten someone’s day and you never, have an even bigger impact on their day.

I will add to this blog post later in the day, just need to say that this morning 😊

28th Nov 17′

22:47 My mind has just exploded in technicolour. Joseph is riding a chameleon shaped skateboard kick flipping over my synapses. Singing, Audioslave at the top of my beautiful voice. SHOOOWWW MEEE HOWWW TOO LIVEEEE

20:24 Struggling. I’ve had a pretty good day up until a couple of hours ago when I noticed my mood changing. I was becoming snappy, moody, angry. Like a dark cloud was descending upon me and I engaged it in combat. I tried fighting but it won, as always.  Now I sit on my own, in the dark with only the light of this computer screen. My limbs feel heavy, emotion has been sapped from me and I just feel numb. Hollow.

There has been no trigger, I just always seem to go to this dark place after being on top of the world.

On my way down I detach. Everything has lost all meaning, nothing is good or bad. Nothing exists.

Listening to Linkin Park & Chris Cornell. When I kill myself I’ll hang.

27th Nov 17′

20:20 Pretty good day all round! Work was sound, evening has been great so far. Haven’t had a full day that hasn’t been up and down in months, in fact I can’t remember the last time. It’s refreshing but at the same time it feels like a glimpse of what life should be like all the time…but it isn’t…so that’s a little depressing 😂 The problem I have always had is my standards being too high. I have to have this perfect life with no downs or fuck it, it’s not worth it and I’d rather be dead. It completely sets me up for failure because no one can have a perfect life… but still, I don’t seem to be able to think any differently. Sometimes I will think differently for a little but revert back to my way of thinking shortly after. Oh well, I am enjoying today as it could be gone tomorrow. 

Love you all x

23rd Nov 17′

23:06 Absolute success tonight. Mood has been great, I’ve been super productive with this site. I made the home page static so any visitors don’t drown in diary entries. Can just imagine it ‘Oh, let’s check this site ou…..OH MY GOD THERE IS SO MUCH SHITE’. So now it’s safety hidden in it’s own section 😀  I’m tired and tomorrow is Black Friday…And payday, so good night x

16:22 First RO DBT group done! It actually went ok. I did a bit of DBT before this group and that didn’t really suit me. This feels much more suitable. I think this will help me.

14:29 Fuck me (I got distracted, have come back to this and have no idea why I wrote fuck me 😂)

14:00 I want to fucking die. What a shit life this is.

13:50 Feel sick and nervous. I want to just go home and be alone. I have to go to the wife’s and my mother’s tonight, I hate doing anything outside of my normal schedule. It just completely stresses me out. All my neck and shoulders are stiff.

13:45 Just about to start RO DBT feel abit worried actually. I don’t know what others will think of me and that’s scary. I’m going to give it my best shot though as I think it’ll be a big part of my recovery.

07:50 God it was hard getting out of bed this morning. Felt shite but blasted some linkin park out on the commute, singing along. Trying to scream so I’ve lost my voice. Picked my mood up though! Big meeting today and my first RO DBT (radically open dialectical behaviour therapy) absolute mouthful that. Bit anxious at the thought but ok.

22nd Nov 17′

20:21 Buzzing. Tea is nearly ready and I’m starving. Listening to music, singing and dancing. This is way to enjoy a night! Woo

19:28  I think I should have contacted my crisis team before this point

19:26  Well tonight hasn’t gone well. I’ve fallen out with my family. Sleeping alone tonight. Self harm, self loathing. It’s not a life worth living

19:22 I’ve cut myself. I had to stop the build up of pressure. I’ve felt a release. I know this isn’t an effective coping strategy but what the hell am I supposed to do when I feel like this

19:17 I’m angry at my care. They make me say stuff I don’t mean and come to conclusions I don’t agree with. I don’t need anybody anymore fuck the lot of them. What an absolute farce life is

18:51 I can’t calm down. I’m boiling, stiff. My head is throbbing especially across the forehead and back of head. See I normally turn anger and rage inwards and I can feel it overflowing outwards now

18:49 Seething with rage. Daughter has been so disrespectful. My blood feels like it has been lit on fire. I have to leave the house as soon as possible before I explode.

18:00 Felt anxious most of the day. I’ve been pulling my beard out and eating it. Now my face is all sore and patchy. Not a productive day at all, I’ve procrastinated most of it. It’s times like this I wish I was living alone in the woods in a log cabin. I’ve come home from work and I can’t deal with my kids kicking off, it stresses me out and makes me feel sick in my stomach