2nd Mar 18′ – One to One Therapy Cut Back

18:22

Mood – Positive

Today I had what has been a biweekly one to one with my CPN. I have been feeling well these last few weeks though and I think my mood has shifted into a new ‘cycle’. So I requested that the one to ones change to once every 6 weeks, this feels like good progress for me!

I have another medication review sometime this month so it feels like I’m boxing things off nicely and I can get on living my life. I must be 13/14 sessions into my 30 week RO DBT so exciting times! I just really hope that this mood lasts a while, I’m not naive enough to think that I’m ‘cured’. It’s always on my mind that one day my mood will shift. One thing I have noticed over the years is that each episode is worse than the last, my last episode I tried to kill myself. This is a worry because if next time is worse…

Anyway, for now I am positive 🙂 things are going well and I feel good. I’ll hold onto this for as long as possible whilst building up coping strategies to combat mood changes when they rear their heads again!

Fuck you mood swings. Fuck you.

10th Feb 18′ – Violent Thought’s

15:14

Mood – Numb

I’ve never told anyone…or even documented it until now but I have had thoughts for some time about hurting others.

Please don’t jump to any conclusions that I am a bad person, I pride myself on being kind and gentle. But I often get massively inappropriate urges, have never acted on them. The urges are extreme though, I can’t hold a knife without something inside of me telling me to push it into someone. I don’t know why but I feel like I have to do it and thank fuck I don’t but still it’s disturbing me.

It’s awful but I get these urges around family members and I just don’t know why it’s so confusing.

At times it seems like the only option and I will physically shake with what feels like anger. The urge and voice inside telling me to hurt and destroy. But why? I don’t know why I would need to do this so why do I feel it?!

I don’t think I can ever tell anyone I know about these feelings/urges. Not even professional therapists.

Am I alone or do others have this voice wanting them to be violent ? (I said voice, I’m pretty sure it’s my own voice telling me).

I feel more alone that ever. Yesterday my mood changed and I properly felt it, like I was not in my body and I observed the moment it just switched as if floating above.

22nd Jan 18′ – Checking In

13:58

Mood – OK

Just checking in. Feeling alright. After a meeting with my CPN last week I feel I need to work on accepting my illness rather than get more depressed when I realise it isn’t going to go away.

I think acceptance is a huge part of recovery, possibly the most important part. There is no cure but I can learn to manage it.

X

18th Jan 18′ – Kill Me

17:49

Mood – No

My mental health diary. The log of my shitty little life. I feel so defeated. The air around me feels so heavy like I am about to cave in everywhere. Nothing has any meaning. I just absolutely cannot be fucked. I was having suicidal thoughts earlier, imagining myself hanging in the toilets at my therapists. Using the belt I have on, it’s a stretchy one that tightens the more you pull it….a bit like an exercise band. But now? I can’t even be fucking arsed doing that. Literally can’t move. 

 

17th Jan 18′ – Dead But Alive

23:09

Mood – Not happy. 

Here’s a quick sketch of how I feel. Alive at sea, not drowning but watching fun from the outside. My partner told me they don’t feel loved tonight…I think I love them but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel anything. Could this be my medication?

13th Jan 18′ – Let Down By The System

BBC News: Personality disorder patients ‘let down’ by system
Personality disorder patients ‘let down’ by system – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-42647972

Some main news coverage! It’s about time. For too long have personality disorders been brushed under the carpet. The government are scared to tackle it because of the mind boggling cost it would take to readjust treatment to the level other illnesses have. You could almost say that it’s one of those expensive problems that is solving itself as the sufferers are killing themselves. 

I don’t know if anything will actually come from this article but at least it’s there. It’s extra awareness and the more people know the bigger voice we have.