30th May 18′ – Struggling with Anxiety and Work

08:07

Feeling – anxious

I’ve just got into work and I already feel like this is going to be another day of procrastination. It makes me feel lazy, like I’m ‘ripping off’ my boss. But I just can’t bring myself to actually work. I just try to cling on to the end of the day and let the anxiety run its course until it subsides.

I’ve managed to keep my mental illness secret from the workplace but days like this I really struggle and I struggle in silence.

22nd May – Am I Slipping Back Into Depression

10:38

Mood – worried

This is my first entry in ages, few reasons I stopped blogging my diary but the main one was I felt alright. My depression lifted and I didn’t want to be reminded of it by looking through past posts.

I ended my RO DBT group & one to one therapy as I was feeling good. Life was on track.

But recently I’ve noticed some things creeping in, things that happen when my mood is changing. Here’s what I’ve noticed:

  • I’m having to force myself to shower.
  • I have no energy or interest in anything. I’ve lost interest in my one and only hobby (online gaming).
  • I’ve started to forget things, like I’m not really present in a lot of situations so I’m forgetting simple stuff I wouldn’t normally.
  • I’m taking myself away to be alone more, I don’t want to see friends or family.
  • I’m comfort eating.

Now they’re pretty big warning signs and I’ve never been able to stop my mood changing before. This is however one of the first times I’ve actually identified the change which I’m happy with. Show I’m learning more about myself I guess.

The timing seems about right aswell which is crazy! I’ve been well for 2 -3 months, and it’ll cycle like this, 3 – 6 months of depression mixed in with a few weeks/month of mania and then alright for a little bit. I think I’ve actually wrote that down somewhere else on this site.

Anyway, I’m trying to come to terms that this is just what my brain does. The big difficult question that looms is – can I do this forever? One thing I’ve noticed over the last few years is each period of depression/mania is worse than the last. I’ve coped less. It’s like the emotions are so much stronger each time round.

Anyway, I’m going to make some time for myself and try do some things that make me happy. I’ll also try keep this up-to-date because I think it’ll be useful to track if my mood is changing.

20th Feb 18′ – Crashing Back Down To Earth

20:27

Mood … fuckit

 

Prior to today was my longest stretch of feeling ‘normal’ in years. I’ve loved it and felt like I really got my life on track. Plans were made and everything was hunky dory.

Was.

From out of nowhere my mood has crumbled and I wish I was dead. It’s fucking mental how you can be on top of the world then just not?! So from everything looking fantastic my mind is now doing this;

  • I hate my family
  • I hate myself
  • I want to punish myself
  • Why bother with anything there’s no point
  • nothing is worth anything
  • I hate everyone
  • I hate life
  • I’m going to hurt myself
  • fuck it
  • now im drinking
  • now im gorging on food
  • now im not giving a fuck because whats the point
  • fuck this blog

 

Here is a song
It reminds me of when we were young
Looking back at all the things we’ve done
You gotta keep on, keepin’ on
Out to sea, it’s the only place I honestly
Can’t get myself some piece of mind
You know it’s getting hard to fly
If I’m to fall
Would you be there to applaud?
Or would you hide behind them all?
‘Cause if I have to go,
In my heart you grow
And that’s where you belong
If I’m to fall
Would you be there to applaud?
Or would you hide behind them all?
‘Cause if I have to go,
In my heart you’ll grow
And that’s where you belong
If I’m to fall
Would you be there to applaud?
Or would you hide behind them all?
‘Cause if I have to go
In my heart you’ll grow
And that’s where you belong
Guess I’m outta time
I’m outta time
I’m outta time
I’m outta time
I’m outta time

10th Feb 18′ – Violent Thought’s

15:14

Mood – Numb

I’ve never told anyone…or even documented it until now but I have had thoughts for some time about hurting others.

Please don’t jump to any conclusions that I am a bad person, I pride myself on being kind and gentle. But I often get massively inappropriate urges, have never acted on them. The urges are extreme though, I can’t hold a knife without something inside of me telling me to push it into someone. I don’t know why but I feel like I have to do it and thank fuck I don’t but still it’s disturbing me.

It’s awful but I get these urges around family members and I just don’t know why it’s so confusing.

At times it seems like the only option and I will physically shake with what feels like anger. The urge and voice inside telling me to hurt and destroy. But why? I don’t know why I would need to do this so why do I feel it?!

I don’t think I can ever tell anyone I know about these feelings/urges. Not even professional therapists.

Am I alone or do others have this voice wanting them to be violent ? (I said voice, I’m pretty sure it’s my own voice telling me).

I feel more alone that ever. Yesterday my mood changed and I properly felt it, like I was not in my body and I observed the moment it just switched as if floating above.

22nd Jan 18′ – Checking In

13:58

Mood – OK

Just checking in. Feeling alright. After a meeting with my CPN last week I feel I need to work on accepting my illness rather than get more depressed when I realise it isn’t going to go away.

I think acceptance is a huge part of recovery, possibly the most important part. There is no cure but I can learn to manage it.

X

18th Jan 18′ – Kill Me

17:49

Mood – No

My mental health diary. The log of my shitty little life. I feel so defeated. The air around me feels so heavy like I am about to cave in everywhere. Nothing has any meaning. I just absolutely cannot be fucked. I was having suicidal thoughts earlier, imagining myself hanging in the toilets at my therapists. Using the belt I have on, it’s a stretchy one that tightens the more you pull it….a bit like an exercise band. But now? I can’t even be fucking arsed doing that. Literally can’t move. 

 

17th Jan 18′ – Dead But Alive

23:09

Mood – Not happy. 

Here’s a quick sketch of how I feel. Alive at sea, not drowning but watching fun from the outside. My partner told me they don’t feel loved tonight…I think I love them but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel anything. Could this be my medication?