Tag: diary

20th Feb 18′ – Crashing Back Down To Earth

20:27

Mood … fuckit

 

Prior to today was my longest stretch of feeling ‘normal’ in years. I’ve loved it and felt like I really got my life on track. Plans were made and everything was hunky dory.

Was.

From out of nowhere my mood has crumbled and I wish I was dead. It’s fucking mental how you can be on top of the world then just not?! So from everything looking fantastic my mind is now doing this;

  • I hate my family
  • I hate myself
  • I want to punish myself
  • Why bother with anything there’s no point
  • nothing is worth anything
  • I hate everyone
  • I hate life
  • I’m going to hurt myself
  • fuck it
  • now im drinking
  • now im gorging on food
  • now im not giving a fuck because whats the point
  • fuck this blog

 

Here is a song
It reminds me of when we were young
Looking back at all the things we’ve done
You gotta keep on, keepin’ on
Out to sea, it’s the only place I honestly
Can’t get myself some piece of mind
You know it’s getting hard to fly
If I’m to fall
Would you be there to applaud?
Or would you hide behind them all?
‘Cause if I have to go,
In my heart you grow
And that’s where you belong
If I’m to fall
Would you be there to applaud?
Or would you hide behind them all?
‘Cause if I have to go,
In my heart you’ll grow
And that’s where you belong
If I’m to fall
Would you be there to applaud?
Or would you hide behind them all?
‘Cause if I have to go
In my heart you’ll grow
And that’s where you belong
Guess I’m outta time
I’m outta time
I’m outta time
I’m outta time
I’m outta time

10th Feb 18′ – Violent Thought’s

15:14

Mood – Numb

I’ve never told anyone…or even documented it until now but I have had thoughts for some time about hurting others.

Please don’t jump to any conclusions that I am a bad person, I pride myself on being kind and gentle. But I often get massively inappropriate urges, have never acted on them. The urges are extreme though, I can’t hold a knife without something inside of me telling me to push it into someone. I don’t know why but I feel like I have to do it and thank fuck I don’t but still it’s disturbing me.

It’s awful but I get these urges around family members and I just don’t know why it’s so confusing.

At times it seems like the only option and I will physically shake with what feels like anger. The urge and voice inside telling me to hurt and destroy. But why? I don’t know why I would need to do this so why do I feel it?!

I don’t think I can ever tell anyone I know about these feelings/urges. Not even professional therapists.

Am I alone or do others have this voice wanting them to be violent ? (I said voice, I’m pretty sure it’s my own voice telling me).

I feel more alone that ever. Yesterday my mood changed and I properly felt it, like I was not in my body and I observed the moment it just switched as if floating above.

18th Jan 18′ – Kill Me

17:49

Mood – No

My mental health diary. The log of my shitty little life. I feel so defeated. The air around me feels so heavy like I am about to cave in everywhere. Nothing has any meaning. I just absolutely cannot be fucked. I was having suicidal thoughts earlier, imagining myself hanging in the toilets at my therapists. Using the belt I have on, it’s a stretchy one that tightens the more you pull it….a bit like an exercise band. But now? I can’t even be fucking arsed doing that. Literally can’t move. 

 

17th Jan 18′ – Dead But Alive

23:09

Mood – Not happy. 

Here’s a quick sketch of how I feel. Alive at sea, not drowning but watching fun from the outside. My partner told me they don’t feel loved tonight…I think I love them but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel anything. Could this be my medication?

17th Jan 18′ – Mood Has Been Great…Are The Med’s Working?!

21:38

Mood – Class

Hi. I’ve not been logging my entries here for a few days and it’s not for a bad reason. I’ve actually felt good!!! A side effect of me feeling good is I forget to write about my days. Anyway, I’ve been on Mirtazapine just over 1 month now so it has had a good while to unleash the full effects on me.

First couple of weeks was absolutely disgusting, I felt terrible, like a zombie. I didn’t feel awake, had dizziness and just zoned out for days. Lately though, I’ve felt OK throughout the day and on the evening. I still struggle on a morning which I think it quite common for people taking Mirtazapine. When my alarm goes off I roll out of bed onto the floor so I have no choice but to get up, still only a nuclear coffee wakes me up.

From today I am mixing it up a bit and taking my Lamotrigine and Mirtazapine earlier (8pm rather than 11/12pm). The hope is that this offsets some of the drowsiness I feel in the morning 🙂 I’ll write up on that when I see (or not) a change in how I feel on a morning.

Oh and I’m starting crossfit soon ha. My mate dragged me into it, doesn’t start until March but I thought I’d kick start some training today with some push ups….Nearly died from doing 17 (not all at once either!!!).

 

14th Jan 18′ – Mental Health And Gaming

18:53

Mood – Great, excited and content.

Today I stumbled across this Ted Talk. Not only is it filled with class facts on worldwide gaming but it touches on a very important topic – Gaming And Mental Health. Please watch 🙂 :

Hopefully you watched that. What d’ya think? I was amazed at the scale of those stats – hours put in, the amount of lore in WOW. Epic. I can relate to this video because I use gaming to escape ‘real’ life. I have told my therapist that I spend hours gaming and when I game I am happy. She’d brushed it off as a bit ridiculous, a waste of time and I should be out there forming ‘actual’ social bonds with other people. Bullshit. I don’t care if it sounds sad as fuck but my online friendships are better than my offline ones. I think the biggest thing for me is they are not emotionally overwhelming. Offline friendships require you physically meeting said person and doing stuff – which can be fine – but it can also trigger anxiety. The pressure of knowing you have to go outside and meet. That commitment, if you don’t do it they’ll call you out. Confront you and you could lose that relationship. Online…Simple and easy, you just enjoy that friendship. Don’t feel like speaking one day? Fine, you have no commitment to be meeting up to maintain that relationship. And if things did take a bad turn and you fall out? Just don’t speak to them anymore…It’s not awkward. You’re not (likely) just going bump into your online friend on the street.

Online friends are like….Friend with no strings attached. Proper friends with benefits.

Anyway, I am feeling happy today. This Ted Talk has stoked my gaming passion. I am currently playing Rimworld but seriously considering starting up a World Of Warcraft account. Yep I know it’s old and there are loads of other MMORPG’s out there but I still feel there is a lot to get out of the experience playing it. I’ve never actually played it before so everything will be fresh to me, albeit a little daunting but I love a challenge. And I live for the grind!

If anyone reading this play’s WOW or fancies starting it let me know and we can maybe journey together!