Mood – Numb
I’ve never told anyone…or even documented it until now but I have had thoughts for some time about hurting others.
Please don’t jump to any conclusions that I am a bad person, I pride myself on being kind and gentle. But I often get massively inappropriate urges, have never acted on them. The urges are extreme though, I can’t hold a knife without something inside of me telling me to push it into someone. I don’t know why but I feel like I have to do it and thank fuck I don’t but still it’s disturbing me.
It’s awful but I get these urges around family members and I just don’t know why it’s so confusing.
At times it seems like the only option and I will physically shake with what feels like anger. The urge and voice inside telling me to hurt and destroy. But why? I don’t know why I would need to do this so why do I feel it?!
I don’t think I can ever tell anyone I know about these feelings/urges. Not even professional therapists.
Am I alone or do others have this voice wanting them to be violent ? (I said voice, I’m pretty sure it’s my own voice telling me).
I feel more alone that ever. Yesterday my mood changed and I properly felt it, like I was not in my body and I observed the moment it just switched as if floating above.
Mood – No
My mental health diary. The log of my shitty little life. I feel so defeated. The air around me feels so heavy like I am about to cave in everywhere. Nothing has any meaning. I just absolutely cannot be fucked. I was having suicidal thoughts earlier, imagining myself hanging in the toilets at my therapists. Using the belt I have on, it’s a stretchy one that tightens the more you pull it….a bit like an exercise band. But now? I can’t even be fucking arsed doing that. Literally can’t move.
Mood – Not happy.
Here’s a quick sketch of how I feel. Alive at sea, not drowning but watching fun from the outside. My partner told me they don’t feel loved tonight…I think I love them but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel anything. Could this be my medication?
22:19 My first drawing for this site. 😬
A bit about this drawing – it is drawn from the mind. Which sounds crazy and hippie-like but basically I start drawing and what happens happens. This particular drawing depicts a memory of mine…
About a year ago I was suffering from psychosis and had these awful hallucinations that the devil was clawing towards me. I had a defensive ‘shell’ around me but I couldn’t stop him and he gets inside. Once inside I felt an evil presence moving inside my bones like smoke.
Mood : Good, productive and thinking clear.
Apologies, I have missed a couple of daily entries. I don’t know why, my mood has been a bit up and down but not terrible. I ALWAYS lose interested in projects/hobbies so this is one that I am trying my hardest to keep up. Forcing myself. Anyway, I have a new idea (not technically mine).
Someone I spoke to on here does drawings to accompany posts about mental health (get in touch if it’s you and I’ll credit you :D). I’m not committing to doing these everyday because being realistic I just won’t have the time & energy. What I am planning on doing though is letting my mind do the drawing so it should be an accurate depiction of my mood. I guess some of the drawings might be difficult to understand drawing this way so I will try to explain them in the post or you can always ask and I’ll answer!
Question for people who put their drawings/art online – How do you get them onto your computer? My first thought was to just take a photo of the drawing and upload that but that might look garbage. I have a scanner…Is that the way forward? Thanks.
Mood – Apathetic now, tree hugging earlier.
This morning was good so I’ll get the bad shit out below and finish on a high, hopefully.
I’ve lost interest in EVERYTHING. Don’t think that I am being dramatic, when I say everything I mean:
- listening to music
- this blog (I’m properly forcing myself here)
I just don’t want to do anything because everything has lost it’s point. I am doing two things though – eating & drinking. Really badly. Loads of shit unhealthy food washed down with alcohol. Along with eating and drinking I can probably stretch to dishing out these….
Over the last 48 hours I’ve been pulling out so much hair and eating it, cos I’m odd like that. My skin is sore now though and parts of me just throb.
There. That’s where I am at right now folks. Earlier in the day though I was sound.
I walked through a muddy puddle today. It was proper deep and pretty much wrecked my trainers. My feet were swimming in shitty brown water. But it made me smile….Then I touched a tree. Not just touched, I actually hugged a tree. I don’t think anyone noticed me but yeah, I did it. There was reasoning behind me doing it though as I have recently been reading up on ‘grounding’ or ‘earthing’. It’s very simple if you haven’t heard of it, you basically get bare skin to earth. Walking barefoot for example, or as I do…Hug a tree. The theory behind it is all to do with electricity, I won’t try to explain it. If you would like to know more here’s a good site.
I think I’ll practice that a bit more and write about it once I figure out if it’s bullshit or not 🙂
Mood – Bleak with a sprinkling of zero fucks.
A bit of a strange week this. I’ve had up’s & down’s.
- Successfully used a number of my DBT skills – wisemind, mindfulness and self enquiry. Really pleased with myself, told my therapist today and they were dead happy too :). This does mark a big change because I was convinced DBT didn’t work for me and I would never get better. At least now I can see that I am learning coping strategies. The illness is still there but I think I’m getting better at coping with it.
- Really productive at work most days. Caught up on the work that built up over Christmas & pushed ahead with a few new projects.
- Found out I’m off on a business trip to Barcelona in February. Woo.
- I’ve absolutely not stuck to any healthy eating or drinking habits. I feel awfully bloated and fat. These new meds (Mirtazipinie) have wrecked me. I’m eating loads even though I’m full. I feel minging & all I want to do is sleep.
- I keep feeling like hopelessness is setting in. The creeping dread. Like, fuck it. Please die. When I get like that if I am not self harming then I will be as unhealthy as I can be, not a conscious effort, but anything to harm my body. I know a lot of people/books explain behaviour like this as when a person doesn’t feel they’re ‘worth it’ but I don’t think applies to me. Like, worth doesn’t even come into it. When I feel that numb, hollow and dead I really couldn’t give a shit if anything is worth it or not. Nothing is worth anything because I don’t want anything to exist.
I just don’t get it, life that is. I have so many questions and no answers.
- Why do emotions exist?
- Why can’t everything just be ran on logic like a computer?
- If negative emotions and feelings are ‘bad’ or ‘painful’ then why the fuck are they a thing?!
- Why would your own brain/mind damage you/itself?
- If we all know we die within 100 years, and that in the ‘grand scheme’ we are fuck all but little specks. Why do we actually bother with anything?
- Why don’t we spend those short years doing stuff that makes you feel good?
- Or better yet, there are no emotions so you don’t have to make the effort to feel good.
- Why am I ‘ill’ and she isn’t? Maybe I’m ‘normal’ and the rest of y’all are ‘ill’.
- What if, other animals are actually more intelligent than us? See, humans have created vastly complex societies/lives that are full of trauma, hate and pain. Pigs eat, fuck & sleep (I don’t know if that’s the right order). Now who’s dumb? If we’re the master race why the hell do we even have all this hate and pain in the world?
- This isn’t a question. Money is shit and the evil of all things.
Arghghghghghgghghgh something please make sense.