Mood – worried
This is my first entry in ages, few reasons I stopped blogging my diary but the main one was I felt alright. My depression lifted and I didn’t want to be reminded of it by looking through past posts.
I ended my RO DBT group & one to one therapy as I was feeling good. Life was on track.
But recently I’ve noticed some things creeping in, things that happen when my mood is changing. Here’s what I’ve noticed:
- I’m having to force myself to shower.
- I have no energy or interest in anything. I’ve lost interest in my one and only hobby (online gaming).
- I’ve started to forget things, like I’m not really present in a lot of situations so I’m forgetting simple stuff I wouldn’t normally.
- I’m taking myself away to be alone more, I don’t want to see friends or family.
- I’m comfort eating.
Now they’re pretty big warning signs and I’ve never been able to stop my mood changing before. This is however one of the first times I’ve actually identified the change which I’m happy with. Show I’m learning more about myself I guess.
The timing seems about right aswell which is crazy! I’ve been well for 2 -3 months, and it’ll cycle like this, 3 – 6 months of depression mixed in with a few weeks/month of mania and then alright for a little bit. I think I’ve actually wrote that down somewhere else on this site.
Anyway, I’m trying to come to terms that this is just what my brain does. The big difficult question that looms is – can I do this forever? One thing I’ve noticed over the last few years is each period of depression/mania is worse than the last. I’ve coped less. It’s like the emotions are so much stronger each time round.
Anyway, I’m going to make some time for myself and try do some things that make me happy. I’ll also try keep this up-to-date because I think it’ll be useful to track if my mood is changing.
Mood – Numb
I’ve never told anyone…or even documented it until now but I have had thoughts for some time about hurting others.
Please don’t jump to any conclusions that I am a bad person, I pride myself on being kind and gentle. But I often get massively inappropriate urges, have never acted on them. The urges are extreme though, I can’t hold a knife without something inside of me telling me to push it into someone. I don’t know why but I feel like I have to do it and thank fuck I don’t but still it’s disturbing me.
It’s awful but I get these urges around family members and I just don’t know why it’s so confusing.
At times it seems like the only option and I will physically shake with what feels like anger. The urge and voice inside telling me to hurt and destroy. But why? I don’t know why I would need to do this so why do I feel it?!
I don’t think I can ever tell anyone I know about these feelings/urges. Not even professional therapists.
Am I alone or do others have this voice wanting them to be violent ? (I said voice, I’m pretty sure it’s my own voice telling me).
I feel more alone that ever. Yesterday my mood changed and I properly felt it, like I was not in my body and I observed the moment it just switched as if floating above.
Mood – No
My mental health diary. The log of my shitty little life. I feel so defeated. The air around me feels so heavy like I am about to cave in everywhere. Nothing has any meaning. I just absolutely cannot be fucked. I was having suicidal thoughts earlier, imagining myself hanging in the toilets at my therapists. Using the belt I have on, it’s a stretchy one that tightens the more you pull it….a bit like an exercise band. But now? I can’t even be fucking arsed doing that. Literally can’t move.
Mood – Not happy.
Here’s a quick sketch of how I feel. Alive at sea, not drowning but watching fun from the outside. My partner told me they don’t feel loved tonight…I think I love them but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel anything. Could this be my medication?
22:19 My first drawing for this site. 😬
A bit about this drawing – it is drawn from the mind. Which sounds crazy and hippie-like but basically I start drawing and what happens happens. This particular drawing depicts a memory of mine…
About a year ago I was suffering from psychosis and had these awful hallucinations that the devil was clawing towards me. I had a defensive ‘shell’ around me but I couldn’t stop him and he gets inside. Once inside I felt an evil presence moving inside my bones like smoke.
Mood : Good, productive and thinking clear.
Apologies, I have missed a couple of daily entries. I don’t know why, my mood has been a bit up and down but not terrible. I ALWAYS lose interested in projects/hobbies so this is one that I am trying my hardest to keep up. Forcing myself. Anyway, I have a new idea (not technically mine).
Someone I spoke to on here does drawings to accompany posts about mental health (get in touch if it’s you and I’ll credit you :D). I’m not committing to doing these everyday because being realistic I just won’t have the time & energy. What I am planning on doing though is letting my mind do the drawing so it should be an accurate depiction of my mood. I guess some of the drawings might be difficult to understand drawing this way so I will try to explain them in the post or you can always ask and I’ll answer!
Question for people who put their drawings/art online – How do you get them onto your computer? My first thought was to just take a photo of the drawing and upload that but that might look garbage. I have a scanner…Is that the way forward? Thanks.
Mood – Apathetic now, tree hugging earlier.
This morning was good so I’ll get the bad shit out below and finish on a high, hopefully.
I’ve lost interest in EVERYTHING. Don’t think that I am being dramatic, when I say everything I mean:
- listening to music
- this blog (I’m properly forcing myself here)
I just don’t want to do anything because everything has lost it’s point. I am doing two things though – eating & drinking. Really badly. Loads of shit unhealthy food washed down with alcohol. Along with eating and drinking I can probably stretch to dishing out these….
Over the last 48 hours I’ve been pulling out so much hair and eating it, cos I’m odd like that. My skin is sore now though and parts of me just throb.
There. That’s where I am at right now folks. Earlier in the day though I was sound.
I walked through a muddy puddle today. It was proper deep and pretty much wrecked my trainers. My feet were swimming in shitty brown water. But it made me smile….Then I touched a tree. Not just touched, I actually hugged a tree. I don’t think anyone noticed me but yeah, I did it. There was reasoning behind me doing it though as I have recently been reading up on ‘grounding’ or ‘earthing’. It’s very simple if you haven’t heard of it, you basically get bare skin to earth. Walking barefoot for example, or as I do…Hug a tree. The theory behind it is all to do with electricity, I won’t try to explain it. If you would like to know more here’s a good site.
I think I’ll practice that a bit more and write about it once I figure out if it’s bullshit or not 🙂