20:09 I am cured – not like a meat but from my mental illness. It may only be for a few hours or a day but today I’m cured. My RO DBT skills are working, I don’t even feel the need for meetings with my mental health nurse (although I’m not naive in thinking I won’t need this support in the future). I met with my nurse earlier today and I felt great, I was describing to her that the last few months I have been under a cloud. This made my treatment very difficult as I was stuck in the mindset that I was fucked anyway so why try. Hopefully now I am free of the clutches of depression I can begin a proper recovery. I just hope that I can make a real dent in it. Below I have drawn a graph (Artistic, I know). The graph depicts my mood swings over time, I’ll explain below the graph.
The Above Graph:
The fat black line represents my mental state over time. This cycle has been going on since my early teens and it’s nearly as regular as clockwork! I’m going to start properly tracking dates (as accurate as I can, sometimes I don’t know I’ve entered or exited a state) so that I might be able to roughly predict when I may need more help etc.
So as you can see I normally have 1 – 3 months of crushing depression where I will have suicidal thoughts/possibly attempts, self half, very unhealthy eating and sleeping habits. When I come out of these depressions I might have days/weeks where I feel ‘normal’ then I go into a short 1 – 3 week period of super high. During these peaks I will not sleep much, have almost unlimited energy, make stupid decisions (like quitting jobs, plunging myself in debt, ending relationships etc.) and generally just be off the rails. To be honest those peaks are mostly enjoyable but sometimes I peak far too high and begin to lose touch with reality – times when this has happened I have hallucinated and had delusions of the devil attacking me and getting into my bones. Really quite scary times.
The Skinny up and down lines are my hourly/daily mood swings. These are awful and tiring. So regardless of my overbearing mood phase I will ping pong between low and hi in as little as minutes but mainly hours. These moods feel very much like knife edges, I can be on top of the world or falling into the abyss.
Anyway…How the hell did I get into my moods when writing about a good day?! I’ll shall move this mood stuff into it’s own section for reference 🙂
So, more big expressions, half smiles, tongues out & dancing. RO DBT has had a fucking success today! I’ve used the skills twice now and it has brought my mood right around. Unbelievable, and I thought I had no control over my moods. Fuck you moods.
17:38 Am I wasting my time?
This morning I had quite bad anxiety, it eased but then got much worse as my RO DBT class was due to start. It was rotten, I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. I felt sick to my core and wanted to be swallowed up and die. My face was expressionless as my mind left the room.
Some skills that were taught brought me back! Closed half smile (basically a smile), big expressions (making faces, open arms, singing). I felt like these skills could be really useful so I brought them home with me – bursting into the house full of energy. Hugging everyone, smiling, asking about everyone’s day. Doing everything I could to make my family happy.
Then the wife. Miserable as sin. Won’t smile. I tell her about the new skills, doesn’t sound bothered. Told her they’re helpful for interaction etc. Being more approachable. She just fobbed it off and said, well you are approachable. I washed up (always complains)..told me to stop because I was too noisy. Just constantly putting me down and moaning and im trying my absolute best to cheer her up and improve the situation using my skills but shes draining me. I can only do it for so long before shes completely sapped my good mood and I’m fucking miserable again.
20:04 I don’t think it’s a legitimate coping strategy but I have been saying fuck off, fuck off, fuck off out loud for the last 15 mins. What it is right, i just felt a wave of shit come down on me. I thought I was alright like I was cured and then bang. Hello. Just like you always are, whey! Thought you could get away from me eh. Its coursing through my body and I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. That sickening numbness. I tried fending it off with my fuck offs. But I’m increasingly feeling desperate. What do I do. What even is this ? Am I depressed? Possessed? It’s scary.
TRIGGERS YES ok so I think this has been triggered by my daughter kicking off. Disrespectful, awful, talking to me and wife like shit. I’m powerless to actually do anything. I can see my wife is distraught but she puts on a smile. Yes that’s it.
15:50 Wow I am hungover. I went a bit too wild last night, too much drink. So I suppose you could say that I am to blame for this come down and you’d be right. I don’t feel terrible I suppose but as I am sat here I think – is my life this much of a mess? Obviously I know it is ha!
I feel like I want to quit my job and completely change my life, go live in the wild somewhere like Norway. Peaceful and tranquil away from people and ‘things’ that make life difficult. I would have a log cabin, roaring open fire, food I had caught myself and a big bubbling broth over the fire. Life would be hard but easy, stressful but stress-free.
08:49 woke up with no eyebrows… nope, not a teenage prank I must’ve pulled them out last night. I normally pull hair out and eat it when anxiety is running high. I’m not sure what I am anxious about but I still feel it this morning. I feel skitish, uneasy, on edge. I have thought about hanging myself or crashing my car, I assume that’s my mind trying to defend itself.
Anyway, it’s exhausting isn’t it having a mental illness. I sort of wish I just felt one way, all the time. It’s the constant up and down that wears you out.
I must write some good news down though, I haven’t self harmed (well cut, you could say abusing booze, food and pulling hair is self harm) in over a week! Little steps n’ that. It’s really weird actually because I will go through a period of weeks/months where I’ll self harm, be depressed, suffer from anxiety etc. But then I’ll go through a period after where I will still maybe get those symptoms but I’ll be manic, hyper, spend all the money I don’t have and make stupid decisions. So, that to me sounds like bipolar right? Well my sister is diagnosed bipolar (type 2, rapid) and mood/personality wise we’re nearly identical. Yet my dr’s brush off the idea. Obviously I’m not the medical professional and what I think isn’t necessarily correct. But yeah. That’s what I think.
23:16 die die die die die haha fucking cunt I want to destroy trash burn annihilate. Where is my sister she would join me in this!!!!! Boooyyyyaaa fuck yeah motherfucker
23.06 mad one today hence the late entry! Been looking after my son all day, love that little lad. I often think he’s the only reason I’m alive today, without him I’d be dead. I’m going to see Liam Gallagher tomorrow and I’m going to be off my tits on booze and drugs. Fucking rock n roll sunshine.
I’d say this is out of character but I don’t give a fuck me, do what I want when I want and if the world crumbles or I die in the process then so be it. I’m going out in a blaze of glory my friend