4th Dec 17′

15:50 Wow I am hungover. I went a bit too wild last night, too much drink. So I suppose you could say that I am to blame for this come down and you’d be right. I don’t feel terrible I suppose but as I am sat here I think – is my life this much of a mess? Obviously I know it is ha!

I feel like I want to quit my job and completely change my life, go live in the wild somewhere like Norway. Peaceful and tranquil away from people and ‘things’ that make life difficult. I would have a log cabin, roaring open fire, food I had caught myself and a big bubbling broth over the fire. Life would be hard but easy, stressful but stress-free.

Imagine it…

Norway Log Cabin

3rd Dec 17′

08:49 woke up with no eyebrows… nope, not a teenage prank I must’ve pulled them out last night. I normally pull hair out and eat it when anxiety is running high. I’m not sure what I am anxious about but I still feel it this morning. I feel skitish, uneasy, on edge. I have thought about hanging myself or crashing my car, I assume that’s my mind trying to defend itself. 

Anyway, it’s exhausting isn’t it having a mental illness. I sort of wish I just felt one way, all the time. It’s the constant up and down that wears you out. 

I must write some good news down though, I haven’t self harmed (well cut, you could say abusing booze, food and pulling hair is self harm) in over a week! Little steps n’ that. It’s really weird actually because I will go through a period of weeks/months where I’ll self harm, be depressed, suffer from anxiety etc. But then I’ll go through a period after where I will still maybe get those symptoms but I’ll be manic, hyper, spend all the money I don’t have and make stupid decisions. So, that to me sounds like bipolar right? Well my sister is diagnosed bipolar (type 2, rapid) and mood/personality wise we’re nearly identical. Yet my dr’s brush off the idea. Obviously I’m not the medical professional and what I think isn’t necessarily correct. But yeah. That’s what I think.

2nd Dec 17′

23:16 die die die die die haha fucking cunt I want to destroy trash burn annihilate. Where is my sister she would join me in this!!!!! Boooyyyyaaa fuck yeah motherfucker

23.06 mad one today hence the late entry! Been looking after my son all day, love that little lad. I often think he’s the only reason I’m alive today, without him I’d be dead. I’m going to see Liam Gallagher tomorrow and I’m going to be off my tits on booze and drugs. Fucking rock n roll sunshine. 

I’d say this is out of character but I don’t give a fuck me, do what I want when I want and if the world crumbles or I die in the process then so be it. I’m going out in a blaze of glory my friend 

1st Dec 17′

21:43 all sound and happy. 

18:30 haven’t been home for a couple of days because of work. I think they have been storing up all the fucking stress for me! Wife is miserable and snapping at everyone, daughter is full of attitude and winding the wife up. Son is just shouting and not listening to anyone. I’m keeping my cool but I can feel myself getting irritated and angry. 

Annnd now me and the wife have had an argument and she’s upstairs not talking to me. How fucking shit are relationships really?! It’s just other people, I don’t think I was designed to have any form of relationship with another person. I don’t know what it is but I just do not get other people. 

Fuck everyone and everything. 

29th Nov 17′

13:16 so busy the ends of my fingers set on fire off my keyboard. Work is manic right now which actually works really well for me, the busier and more occupied I am the better! I actually don’t have much to say here so bye. 

07:08 Today has started off great, I’m sleeping in cos I’m badass and can do what I want. Also a complete stranger posted a lovely comment on my site yesterday and it wasn’t what they wrote that has made me feel happy it’s that someone has spoke to me. I know that sounds sad af 😂 but it’s genuine. I could never tell anyone how I was feeling before this blog but now I have communicated with someone ands it ok. I feel better. It’s made me realise the significance of just talking, regardless of the subject. Even just a hello can brighten someone’s day and you never, have an even bigger impact on their day.

I will add to this blog post later in the day, just need to say that this morning 😊

28th Nov 17′

22:47 My mind has just exploded in technicolour. Joseph is riding a chameleon shaped skateboard kick flipping over my synapses. Singing, Audioslave at the top of my beautiful voice. SHOOOWWW MEEE HOWWW TOO LIVEEEE

20:24 Struggling. I’ve had a pretty good day up until a couple of hours ago when I noticed my mood changing. I was becoming snappy, moody, angry. Like a dark cloud was descending upon me and I engaged it in combat. I tried fighting but it won, as always.  Now I sit on my own, in the dark with only the light of this computer screen. My limbs feel heavy, emotion has been sapped from me and I just feel numb. Hollow.

There has been no trigger, I just always seem to go to this dark place after being on top of the world.

On my way down I detach. Everything has lost all meaning, nothing is good or bad. Nothing exists.

Listening to Linkin Park & Chris Cornell. When I kill myself I’ll hang.

27th Nov 17′

20:20 Pretty good day all round! Work was sound, evening has been great so far. Haven’t had a full day that hasn’t been up and down in months, in fact I can’t remember the last time. It’s refreshing but at the same time it feels like a glimpse of what life should be like all the time…but it isn’t…so that’s a little depressing 😂 The problem I have always had is my standards being too high. I have to have this perfect life with no downs or fuck it, it’s not worth it and I’d rather be dead. It completely sets me up for failure because no one can have a perfect life… but still, I don’t seem to be able to think any differently. Sometimes I will think differently for a little but revert back to my way of thinking shortly after. Oh well, I am enjoying today as it could be gone tomorrow. 

Love you all x