26th Nov 17′

20:35 I’ve pulled alot of my beard hair out and eaten it…now I look like a patchy mongrel. I guess I must be anxious about something but at this point in time I have no idea what it is. I’m just going to play assassin’s creed, chill out, stop eating hair then go to bed. 

19:37 YES! Twitter worked, each new diary entry is automatically shot into a tweet. That’s snazzy.

18:07 Alone at home now, I feel OK. I have to miss my RO DBT course this week and I’m not seeing my therapist so it’s the first time in ages that I’ll be without support for a couple of weeks – fills me with worry that but I’ll be alright. I have loads of things on at the mo that should keep me occupied – I often find that keeping myself occupied can stave off bad moods.

15:55 trying to leave that stress behind so I’m having a bath. Mindful breathing exercises too just to bring that arousal level down. Still chatting to my mate which is helping. I think I’m going to do a mindfulness section on this site. Just some techniques and things because regardless of your state of health mindfulness is a good thing to practice! It’s also the backbone of DBT.

13:19 started to get stressed and angry. Wife and son are irritating me and my head is throbbing with stress. Neither of them ever listen to me so what’s the fucking point. Now the wife has a face on her, she always makes it about her.

08:29 Son woke me up nice and early but he’s cute as hell so I’ll let it slide. Feel good this morning (except my knackered foot). Just watching the smurf movie! My friend (I think only friend seen as my illness seems to have disillusioned any other friends I had over the years) messaged me this morning just to catch up and see how I was. That’s exactly the kind of interaction I need, it’s not a massive support network but it’s something and without it I’d be completely alone. If you do one thing today – just ask someone how they are or spark up a conversation with someone you haven’t spoke to in a while. You never know they might just be waiting for a friend.

 

25th Nov 17′

21:43 feel fine, watching the farthest (docufilm about voyager). I’ve been good 90% of the day today so I’m happy with that! The only time I wasn’t I got really angry because a new shirt I bought doesn’t fasten around my massive cow neck!

17:10 play fighting with wife, laughing so much it hurts 😂 she’s such a div.

15:19 I hate myself. I’m only in my early 30s yet I have a broken brain, gout, knackered liver, overweight. I’m in such a bad state and ready for the knackers yard. What a sorry state of a man.

 

24th Nov 17′

19:43 drunk 🙄 German market in town and I went out with work friends for first time in ages. It was lovely like I actually had friends. I feel ok but felt like I always put on an act. To be honest I don’t even know who the real me is so everything could be an act.

10:20 Woke up (earlier than this BTW) absolutely buzzing like a rocket had gone off in my anal cavity. Blasting Korn on the way to work, loads of coffee, breakfast sarnie. YESSSSS. Nothing can stop me today!!

23rd Nov 17′

23:06 Absolute success tonight. Mood has been great, I’ve been super productive with this site. I made the home page static so any visitors don’t drown in diary entries. Can just imagine it ‘Oh, let’s check this site ou…..OH MY GOD THERE IS SO MUCH SHITE’. So now it’s safety hidden in it’s own section 😀  I’m tired and tomorrow is Black Friday…And payday, so good night x

16:22 First RO DBT group done! It actually went ok. I did a bit of DBT before this group and that didn’t really suit me. This feels much more suitable. I think this will help me.

14:29 Fuck me (I got distracted, have come back to this and have no idea why I wrote fuck me 😂)

14:00 I want to fucking die. What a shit life this is.

13:50 Feel sick and nervous. I want to just go home and be alone. I have to go to the wife’s and my mother’s tonight, I hate doing anything outside of my normal schedule. It just completely stresses me out. All my neck and shoulders are stiff.

13:45 Just about to start RO DBT feel abit worried actually. I don’t know what others will think of me and that’s scary. I’m going to give it my best shot though as I think it’ll be a big part of my recovery.

07:50 God it was hard getting out of bed this morning. Felt shite but blasted some linkin park out on the commute, singing along. Trying to scream so I’ve lost my voice. Picked my mood up though! Big meeting today and my first RO DBT (radically open dialectical behaviour therapy) absolute mouthful that. Bit anxious at the thought but ok.

22nd Nov 17′

20:21 Buzzing. Tea is nearly ready and I’m starving. Listening to music, singing and dancing. This is way to enjoy a night! Woo

19:28  I think I should have contacted my crisis team before this point

19:26  Well tonight hasn’t gone well. I’ve fallen out with my family. Sleeping alone tonight. Self harm, self loathing. It’s not a life worth living

19:22 I’ve cut myself. I had to stop the build up of pressure. I’ve felt a release. I know this isn’t an effective coping strategy but what the hell am I supposed to do when I feel like this

19:17 I’m angry at my care. They make me say stuff I don’t mean and come to conclusions I don’t agree with. I don’t need anybody anymore fuck the lot of them. What an absolute farce life is

18:51 I can’t calm down. I’m boiling, stiff. My head is throbbing especially across the forehead and back of head. See I normally turn anger and rage inwards and I can feel it overflowing outwards now

18:49 Seething with rage. Daughter has been so disrespectful. My blood feels like it has been lit on fire. I have to leave the house as soon as possible before I explode.

18:00 Felt anxious most of the day. I’ve been pulling my beard out and eating it. Now my face is all sore and patchy. Not a productive day at all, I’ve procrastinated most of it. It’s times like this I wish I was living alone in the woods in a log cabin. I’ve come home from work and I can’t deal with my kids kicking off, it stresses me out and makes me feel sick in my stomach