10th Feb 18′ – Violent Thought’s

15:14

Mood – Numb

I’ve never told anyone…or even documented it until now but I have had thoughts for some time about hurting others.

Please don’t jump to any conclusions that I am a bad person, I pride myself on being kind and gentle. But I often get massively inappropriate urges, have never acted on them. The urges are extreme though, I can’t hold a knife without something inside of me telling me to push it into someone. I don’t know why but I feel like I have to do it and thank fuck I don’t but still it’s disturbing me.

It’s awful but I get these urges around family members and I just don’t know why it’s so confusing.

At times it seems like the only option and I will physically shake with what feels like anger. The urge and voice inside telling me to hurt and destroy. But why? I don’t know why I would need to do this so why do I feel it?!

I don’t think I can ever tell anyone I know about these feelings/urges. Not even professional therapists.

Am I alone or do others have this voice wanting them to be violent ? (I said voice, I’m pretty sure it’s my own voice telling me).

I feel more alone that ever. Yesterday my mood changed and I properly felt it, like I was not in my body and I observed the moment it just switched as if floating above.

22nd Jan 18′ – Checking In

13:58

Mood – OK

Just checking in. Feeling alright. After a meeting with my CPN last week I feel I need to work on accepting my illness rather than get more depressed when I realise it isn’t going to go away.

I think acceptance is a huge part of recovery, possibly the most important part. There is no cure but I can learn to manage it.

X

18th Jan 18′ – Kill Me

17:49

Mood – No

My mental health diary. The log of my shitty little life. I feel so defeated. The air around me feels so heavy like I am about to cave in everywhere. Nothing has any meaning. I just absolutely cannot be fucked. I was having suicidal thoughts earlier, imagining myself hanging in the toilets at my therapists. Using the belt I have on, it’s a stretchy one that tightens the more you pull it….a bit like an exercise band. But now? I can’t even be fucking arsed doing that. Literally can’t move. 

 

17th Jan 18′ – Dead But Alive

23:09

Mood – Not happy. 

Here’s a quick sketch of how I feel. Alive at sea, not drowning but watching fun from the outside. My partner told me they don’t feel loved tonight…I think I love them but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel anything. Could this be my medication?

17th Jan 18′ – Mood Has Been Great…Are The Med’s Working?!

21:38

Mood – Class

Hi. I’ve not been logging my entries here for a few days and it’s not for a bad reason. I’ve actually felt good!!! A side effect of me feeling good is I forget to write about my days. Anyway, I’ve been on Mirtazapine just over 1 month now so it has had a good while to unleash the full effects on me.

First couple of weeks was absolutely disgusting, I felt terrible, like a zombie. I didn’t feel awake, had dizziness and just zoned out for days. Lately though, I’ve felt OK throughout the day and on the evening. I still struggle on a morning which I think it quite common for people taking Mirtazapine. When my alarm goes off I roll out of bed onto the floor so I have no choice but to get up, still only a nuclear coffee wakes me up.

From today I am mixing it up a bit and taking my Lamotrigine and Mirtazapine earlier (8pm rather than 11/12pm). The hope is that this offsets some of the drowsiness I feel in the morning 🙂 I’ll write up on that when I see (or not) a change in how I feel on a morning.

Oh and I’m starting crossfit soon ha. My mate dragged me into it, doesn’t start until March but I thought I’d kick start some training today with some push ups….Nearly died from doing 17 (not all at once either!!!).