20:56 It’s been snowing and it’s freezing and my car is a death trap.
I’m not a massive fan of driving in the snow, it sends my anxiety into overdrive – before I even get to the car I have played out multiple scenarios where I have crashed. Sometimes I die, sometimes I’m horribly disfigured, other times someone else dies and I go to jail forever. I mean, that’s not setting you up for the most glorious of days is it.
I’ve been living in my head a lot today. Here are some of the things I got up to (inside my head, not physically):
A couple of lads threw snowballs at me so I chased them. They didn’t run away which kinda shocked me but I’m an absolute wuss so I pull my ice scraper out my shopping bag and swung at them. In this particular instance I missed, they took it off me and repeatedly stabbed me with it. I often have little ‘day dreams’ where I am killed whilst out and about, they’re quite invigorating really and I secretly want them to happen (not a massive secret now, whoops). Like, how perfect would it be to be murdered? I wouldn’t have to go to the trouble of doing it myself then. Anyway, next one.
A car lost control on the icy roads and veered onto the path knocking me over – not totally over, I jumped a bit like a ninja and bounced off the bonnet. I then sued them. Bit of a shit day dream that.
I was sat in the toilets at work for about an hour in the dark (that’s actually true) but then I thought, OK, so I have a migraine (I didn’t) and this is where I would be. You have low light so you’d be sound. whenever I go to the toilet I have to have the tap on, the sound of running water, anyone else do that?!
I got urges to self harm tonight but I didn’t act on them. I cooked a meal to make me fatter than I already am. I pulled another eye brow off. Bit my nails until they bled.
I can’t focus on anything my brain is allover the place flitting about.
19:41 It snowed today. I watched it out the window laying on the tree with my Christmas lights on. I also watched some films, ate a Sunday roast & now I’m going to game.
It’s a good day and one that has not contained any symptoms of mental illness (that I’m aware of). It’s days like this that make you feel real, a glimpse out into ‘normality’. I will desperately try to cling onto the feeling but as you know, it doesn’t last.
I have a medication review this Wednesday, not sure how I feel about it. I’ve not had one before other than my initial dishing out of the meds. Currently I take 400mg of Lamotrigine (mood stabiliser) a day and to be fair it was an absolute life saver when I first started taking it. It seemed to stop my mood bouncing up and down throughout the day and lengthen it out to days. I’m still sure this medication is helping me but there are two points I am going to bring up on Wednesday:
I still get stuck in crushing depressions which are lasting for weeks/months.
Often I get completely overwhelmed by emotion and the only way out I can use is self harm or suicide. Fortunately, I have opted for the self harm but how long will this be the case? Every episode of depression seems deeper and darker than the last.
I know psychiatric medication is not a silver bullet so cannot expect both of the above points to be sorted on medication alone. However, something to help me come out of those deep depressions? Or something to help when I am overwhelmed?
Anyway, I’ll be bringing up those points and I will let you know how it goes 🙂 Just out of interest, for any of you that have times when you are overwhelmed, do you have medication for this? If so, what is it?
20:18 Things had been going great until this evening. First I’ll explain the situation:
My little boy (2.5 years old) has chicken pox, really isn’t well and very unsettled. I was driving home with him in the back and we pulled up near home and started reversing into a space. A young lad flew up behind me and drove into the space, jumped out the car and went to the cash machine – absolutely knew I was going in there because I beeped at him. So naturally, I was angry. But I had my son in the back who was crying, probably wondering why we were just sat there waiting for this inconsiderate arsehole to move. He comes back to his car, drives past and this is where he and his female passenger stick their fingers up at me. I mean fuck me. Come on, you’ve been an absolute bell end stealing my space and now you’re going to swear at me? That’s the situation. Let the rage flow below.
I swear to fucking god (I’m not even religious) if I see that little wham boy and his lass again I’ll snap her fucking fingers off and poke them through his eyes. Who the fuck do they think they are? Taking the piss out of people, swanning around like they own the place. If my boy hadn’t been in the back of my car I wouldn’t have thought twice about driving over his head and eating his corpse. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. And now I am relentlessly trawling through Facebook to see if I can recognise him.
I obviously need to calm down. I’m not normally an angry person. There’s also a moral to this story – don’t be a dick to people for no reason, because you don’t know if that person has a personality disorder and will hunt you down with a hammer. Thank your lucky stars I stayed in my car.
See the shit thing is as well, this anger rarely is projected outwards, it goes inwards. So now I’m just bubbling with rage inside with no outlet. How do I get rid of this rage?!
20:09 I am cured – not like a meat but from my mental illness. It may only be for a few hours or a day but today I’m cured. My RO DBT skills are working, I don’t even feel the need for meetings with my mental health nurse (although I’m not naive in thinking I won’t need this support in the future). I met with my nurse earlier today and I felt great, I was describing to her that the last few months I have been under a cloud. This made my treatment very difficult as I was stuck in the mindset that I was fucked anyway so why try. Hopefully now I am free of the clutches of depression I can begin a proper recovery. I just hope that I can make a real dent in it. Below I have drawn a graph (Artistic, I know). The graph depicts my mood swings over time, I’ll explain below the graph.
The Above Graph:
The fat black line represents my mental state over time. This cycle has been going on since my early teens and it’s nearly as regular as clockwork! I’m going to start properly tracking dates (as accurate as I can, sometimes I don’t know I’ve entered or exited a state) so that I might be able to roughly predict when I may need more help etc.
So as you can see I normally have 1 – 3 months of crushing depression where I will have suicidal thoughts/possibly attempts, self half, very unhealthy eating and sleeping habits. When I come out of these depressions I might have days/weeks where I feel ‘normal’ then I go into a short 1 – 3 week period of super high. During these peaks I will not sleep much, have almost unlimited energy, make stupid decisions (like quitting jobs, plunging myself in debt, ending relationships etc.) and generally just be off the rails. To be honest those peaks are mostly enjoyable but sometimes I peak far too high and begin to lose touch with reality – times when this has happened I have hallucinated and had delusions of the devil attacking me and getting into my bones. Really quite scary times.
The Skinny up and down lines are my hourly/daily mood swings. These are awful and tiring. So regardless of my overbearing mood phase I will ping pong between low and hi in as little as minutes but mainly hours. These moods feel very much like knife edges, I can be on top of the world or falling into the abyss.
Anyway…How the hell did I get into my moods when writing about a good day?! I’ll shall move this mood stuff into it’s own section for reference 🙂