30th May 18′ – Struggling with Anxiety and Work

08:07

Feeling – anxious

I’ve just got into work and I already feel like this is going to be another day of procrastination. It makes me feel lazy, like I’m ‘ripping off’ my boss. But I just can’t bring myself to actually work. I just try to cling on to the end of the day and let the anxiety run its course until it subsides.

I’ve managed to keep my mental illness secret from the workplace but days like this I really struggle and I struggle in silence.

22nd May – Am I Slipping Back Into Depression

10:38

Mood – worried

This is my first entry in ages, few reasons I stopped blogging my diary but the main one was I felt alright. My depression lifted and I didn’t want to be reminded of it by looking through past posts.

I ended my RO DBT group & one to one therapy as I was feeling good. Life was on track.

But recently I’ve noticed some things creeping in, things that happen when my mood is changing. Here’s what I’ve noticed:

  • I’m having to force myself to shower.
  • I have no energy or interest in anything. I’ve lost interest in my one and only hobby (online gaming).
  • I’ve started to forget things, like I’m not really present in a lot of situations so I’m forgetting simple stuff I wouldn’t normally.
  • I’m taking myself away to be alone more, I don’t want to see friends or family.
  • I’m comfort eating.

Now they’re pretty big warning signs and I’ve never been able to stop my mood changing before. This is however one of the first times I’ve actually identified the change which I’m happy with. Show I’m learning more about myself I guess.

The timing seems about right aswell which is crazy! I’ve been well for 2 -3 months, and it’ll cycle like this, 3 – 6 months of depression mixed in with a few weeks/month of mania and then alright for a little bit. I think I’ve actually wrote that down somewhere else on this site.

Anyway, I’m trying to come to terms that this is just what my brain does. The big difficult question that looms is – can I do this forever? One thing I’ve noticed over the last few years is each period of depression/mania is worse than the last. I’ve coped less. It’s like the emotions are so much stronger each time round.

Anyway, I’m going to make some time for myself and try do some things that make me happy. I’ll also try keep this up-to-date because I think it’ll be useful to track if my mood is changing.

2nd Mar 18′ – One to One Therapy Cut Back

18:22

Mood – Positive

Today I had what has been a biweekly one to one with my CPN. I have been feeling well these last few weeks though and I think my mood has shifted into a new ‘cycle’. So I requested that the one to ones change to once every 6 weeks, this feels like good progress for me!

I have another medication review sometime this month so it feels like I’m boxing things off nicely and I can get on living my life. I must be 13/14 sessions into my 30 week RO DBT so exciting times! I just really hope that this mood lasts a while, I’m not naive enough to think that I’m ‘cured’. It’s always on my mind that one day my mood will shift. One thing I have noticed over the years is that each episode is worse than the last, my last episode I tried to kill myself. This is a worry because if next time is worse…

Anyway, for now I am positive 🙂 things are going well and I feel good. I’ll hold onto this for as long as possible whilst building up coping strategies to combat mood changes when they rear their heads again!

Fuck you mood swings. Fuck you.

20th Feb 18′ – Crashing Back Down To Earth

20:27

Mood … fuckit

 

Prior to today was my longest stretch of feeling ‘normal’ in years. I’ve loved it and felt like I really got my life on track. Plans were made and everything was hunky dory.

Was.

From out of nowhere my mood has crumbled and I wish I was dead. It’s fucking mental how you can be on top of the world then just not?! So from everything looking fantastic my mind is now doing this;

  • I hate my family
  • I hate myself
  • I want to punish myself
  • Why bother with anything there’s no point
  • nothing is worth anything
  • I hate everyone
  • I hate life
  • I’m going to hurt myself
  • fuck it
  • now im drinking
  • now im gorging on food
  • now im not giving a fuck because whats the point
  • fuck this blog

 

Here is a song
It reminds me of when we were young
Looking back at all the things we’ve done
You gotta keep on, keepin’ on
Out to sea, it’s the only place I honestly
Can’t get myself some piece of mind
You know it’s getting hard to fly
If I’m to fall
Would you be there to applaud?
Or would you hide behind them all?
‘Cause if I have to go,
In my heart you grow
And that’s where you belong
If I’m to fall
Would you be there to applaud?
Or would you hide behind them all?
‘Cause if I have to go,
In my heart you’ll grow
And that’s where you belong
If I’m to fall
Would you be there to applaud?
Or would you hide behind them all?
‘Cause if I have to go
In my heart you’ll grow
And that’s where you belong
Guess I’m outta time
I’m outta time
I’m outta time
I’m outta time
I’m outta time

10th Feb 18′ – Intrusive Thought’s

15:47

So I’ve done some research and all of these violent, sexual, suicidal and philosophical thoughts sound very much like OCD. Never knew that Intrusive Thought’s were a trait of OCD.

So one of the personality disorders I have been diagnosed with is obsessive compulsive so maybe these thoughts are a symptom of that diagnosis ?

10th Feb 18′ – Violent Thought’s

15:14

Mood – Numb

I’ve never told anyone…or even documented it until now but I have had thoughts for some time about hurting others.

Please don’t jump to any conclusions that I am a bad person, I pride myself on being kind and gentle. But I often get massively inappropriate urges, have never acted on them. The urges are extreme though, I can’t hold a knife without something inside of me telling me to push it into someone. I don’t know why but I feel like I have to do it and thank fuck I don’t but still it’s disturbing me.

It’s awful but I get these urges around family members and I just don’t know why it’s so confusing.

At times it seems like the only option and I will physically shake with what feels like anger. The urge and voice inside telling me to hurt and destroy. But why? I don’t know why I would need to do this so why do I feel it?!

I don’t think I can ever tell anyone I know about these feelings/urges. Not even professional therapists.

Am I alone or do others have this voice wanting them to be violent ? (I said voice, I’m pretty sure it’s my own voice telling me).

I feel more alone that ever. Yesterday my mood changed and I properly felt it, like I was not in my body and I observed the moment it just switched as if floating above.