Mood – No
My mental health diary. The log of my shitty little life. I feel so defeated. The air around me feels so heavy like I am about to cave in everywhere. Nothing has any meaning. I just absolutely cannot be fucked. I was having suicidal thoughts earlier, imagining myself hanging in the toilets at my therapists. Using the belt I have on, it’s a stretchy one that tightens the more you pull it….a bit like an exercise band. But now? I can’t even be fucking arsed doing that. Literally can’t move.
Mood – Not happy.
Here’s a quick sketch of how I feel. Alive at sea, not drowning but watching fun from the outside. My partner told me they don’t feel loved tonight…I think I love them but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel anything. Could this be my medication?
Mood – Great, excited and content.
Today I stumbled across this Ted Talk. Not only is it filled with class facts on worldwide gaming but it touches on a very important topic – Gaming And Mental Health. Please watch 🙂 :
Hopefully you watched that. What d’ya think? I was amazed at the scale of those stats – hours put in, the amount of lore in WOW. Epic. I can relate to this video because I use gaming to escape ‘real’ life. I have told my therapist that I spend hours gaming and when I game I am happy. She’d brushed it off as a bit ridiculous, a waste of time and I should be out there forming ‘actual’ social bonds with other people. Bullshit. I don’t care if it sounds sad as fuck but my online friendships are better than my offline ones. I think the biggest thing for me is they are not emotionally overwhelming. Offline friendships require you physically meeting said person and doing stuff – which can be fine – but it can also trigger anxiety. The pressure of knowing you have to go outside and meet. That commitment, if you don’t do it they’ll call you out. Confront you and you could lose that relationship. Online…Simple and easy, you just enjoy that friendship. Don’t feel like speaking one day? Fine, you have no commitment to be meeting up to maintain that relationship. And if things did take a bad turn and you fall out? Just don’t speak to them anymore…It’s not awkward. You’re not (likely) just going bump into your online friend on the street.
Online friends are like….Friend with no strings attached. Proper friends with benefits.
Anyway, I am feeling happy today. This Ted Talk has stoked my gaming passion. I am currently playing Rimworld but seriously considering starting up a World Of Warcraft account. Yep I know it’s old and there are loads of other MMORPG’s out there but I still feel there is a lot to get out of the experience playing it. I’ve never actually played it before so everything will be fresh to me, albeit a little daunting but I love a challenge. And I live for the grind!
If anyone reading this play’s WOW or fancies starting it let me know and we can maybe journey together!
22:19 My first drawing for this site. 😬
A bit about this drawing – it is drawn from the mind. Which sounds crazy and hippie-like but basically I start drawing and what happens happens. This particular drawing depicts a memory of mine…
About a year ago I was suffering from psychosis and had these awful hallucinations that the devil was clawing towards me. I had a defensive ‘shell’ around me but I couldn’t stop him and he gets inside. Once inside I felt an evil presence moving inside my bones like smoke.
Mood : Good, productive and thinking clear.
Apologies, I have missed a couple of daily entries. I don’t know why, my mood has been a bit up and down but not terrible. I ALWAYS lose interested in projects/hobbies so this is one that I am trying my hardest to keep up. Forcing myself. Anyway, I have a new idea (not technically mine).
Someone I spoke to on here does drawings to accompany posts about mental health (get in touch if it’s you and I’ll credit you :D). I’m not committing to doing these everyday because being realistic I just won’t have the time & energy. What I am planning on doing though is letting my mind do the drawing so it should be an accurate depiction of my mood. I guess some of the drawings might be difficult to understand drawing this way so I will try to explain them in the post or you can always ask and I’ll answer!
Question for people who put their drawings/art online – How do you get them onto your computer? My first thought was to just take a photo of the drawing and upload that but that might look garbage. I have a scanner…Is that the way forward? Thanks.
Mood – Apathetic now, tree hugging earlier.
This morning was good so I’ll get the bad shit out below and finish on a high, hopefully.
I’ve lost interest in EVERYTHING. Don’t think that I am being dramatic, when I say everything I mean:
- listening to music
- this blog (I’m properly forcing myself here)
I just don’t want to do anything because everything has lost it’s point. I am doing two things though – eating & drinking. Really badly. Loads of shit unhealthy food washed down with alcohol. Along with eating and drinking I can probably stretch to dishing out these….
Over the last 48 hours I’ve been pulling out so much hair and eating it, cos I’m odd like that. My skin is sore now though and parts of me just throb.
There. That’s where I am at right now folks. Earlier in the day though I was sound.
I walked through a muddy puddle today. It was proper deep and pretty much wrecked my trainers. My feet were swimming in shitty brown water. But it made me smile….Then I touched a tree. Not just touched, I actually hugged a tree. I don’t think anyone noticed me but yeah, I did it. There was reasoning behind me doing it though as I have recently been reading up on ‘grounding’ or ‘earthing’. It’s very simple if you haven’t heard of it, you basically get bare skin to earth. Walking barefoot for example, or as I do…Hug a tree. The theory behind it is all to do with electricity, I won’t try to explain it. If you would like to know more here’s a good site.
I think I’ll practice that a bit more and write about it once I figure out if it’s bullshit or not 🙂
Mood – Bleak with a sprinkling of zero fucks.
A bit of a strange week this. I’ve had up’s & down’s.
- Successfully used a number of my DBT skills – wisemind, mindfulness and self enquiry. Really pleased with myself, told my therapist today and they were dead happy too :). This does mark a big change because I was convinced DBT didn’t work for me and I would never get better. At least now I can see that I am learning coping strategies. The illness is still there but I think I’m getting better at coping with it.
- Really productive at work most days. Caught up on the work that built up over Christmas & pushed ahead with a few new projects.
- Found out I’m off on a business trip to Barcelona in February. Woo.
- I’ve absolutely not stuck to any healthy eating or drinking habits. I feel awfully bloated and fat. These new meds (Mirtazipinie) have wrecked me. I’m eating loads even though I’m full. I feel minging & all I want to do is sleep.
- I keep feeling like hopelessness is setting in. The creeping dread. Like, fuck it. Please die. When I get like that if I am not self harming then I will be as unhealthy as I can be, not a conscious effort, but anything to harm my body. I know a lot of people/books explain behaviour like this as when a person doesn’t feel they’re ‘worth it’ but I don’t think applies to me. Like, worth doesn’t even come into it. When I feel that numb, hollow and dead I really couldn’t give a shit if anything is worth it or not. Nothing is worth anything because I don’t want anything to exist.
I just don’t get it, life that is. I have so many questions and no answers.
- Why do emotions exist?
- Why can’t everything just be ran on logic like a computer?
- If negative emotions and feelings are ‘bad’ or ‘painful’ then why the fuck are they a thing?!
- Why would your own brain/mind damage you/itself?
- If we all know we die within 100 years, and that in the ‘grand scheme’ we are fuck all but little specks. Why do we actually bother with anything?
- Why don’t we spend those short years doing stuff that makes you feel good?
- Or better yet, there are no emotions so you don’t have to make the effort to feel good.
- Why am I ‘ill’ and she isn’t? Maybe I’m ‘normal’ and the rest of y’all are ‘ill’.
- What if, other animals are actually more intelligent than us? See, humans have created vastly complex societies/lives that are full of trauma, hate and pain. Pigs eat, fuck & sleep (I don’t know if that’s the right order). Now who’s dumb? If we’re the master race why the hell do we even have all this hate and pain in the world?
- This isn’t a question. Money is shit and the evil of all things.
Arghghghghghgghghgh something please make sense.