23:36 I’m not Jesus. The title of this post is not a prophecy but a new show that’s out on Netflix in 3 days. I binged it all tonight and it was lovely. Raw & Rough.
Not running on much sleep here. I thought I was getting busted by the fuzz last night. Picture this – midnight, just settling down. I think I had just closed my eyes. BANG BANG BANG BANG JFDESF JHXV loads of shouting.
If I was wearing pants I can guarantee I would have shit them.
I shot up out of bed, ran to the window and saw a police car right outside my house. Oh man, this is it. I’m done for. What have I done. They’re here to take me away. I quickly put some clothes on because I didn’t want to be dragged awake naked. But they didn’t want me…They were at next door HA! All that trauma for nothing. If you have a disposition for being paranoid you do not need kinda action in your life.
It’s been a strange day. First back at work. I did loads but nothing. I binned my family off all night and have sat in on my own but I want to go out. Go out into the town and run riot.
22:18 Update. I’ve RKO’d depression for today. I have been spending some time looking through other people’s blogs on here and it’s just amazing. There are all these people out there and you never see it on social media. The stories, thoughts, experiences that I am reading are just so grounding. I hope some of you are reading this as you have given me the hope I thought I had lost. The hope, that this year I can work towards loving myself. Taking care of me rather than embarking on destructive paths when I feel overwhelmed. I’m not being too optimistic either! I know that I will fail at times, but I will get back up. ❤
20:07 It’s the first day of the New Year and I have done nothing but be my ‘old’ self. Unhealthy eating, wallowing in anxiety & depression. And this was all before lunch!!!
Fortunately, my mood has come round a bit now but it’s brought me back down to earth. Over the last few days, as some of you know, my moods went skew whiff and I nearly went cold turkey off my meds. I thought I was cured and I had it all figured out, life was going to be perfect. Today though, BANG. Fuck off son, get back down where you belong. If I could describe how I feel right now it would be deflated. Not because I’m a massive fat balloon that is now devoid of air. But because for a brief moment I had hope, and it felt so real.
It doesn’t help that tomorrow is the first day back at work post holidays.
If I wasn’t already feeling like a fat lazy trollop I have just annihilated what was left of the celebrations. Hooray to me.
I will not let this day get me down though, tomorrow is the real start of the New Year. The 1st is just a fake shitty day where you make all your promises but you can’t start them on the same day.
My New Years resolution? I have 3:
Lose about 4 stone
Finally tackle a MMORPG (I’ve been dipping my toes into ESO but I am ready to pour most of my life into something other than reality).
10:55 So I’ve been feeling good mentally the last couple of days and I think I want to stop all my medication (If anyone has any advice for/against that would be much appreciated).
See the thing is, yes I originally went to a Dr and was prescribed anti-depressants but ever since it has been a downward spiral. Stronger anti-depressants, mood stabilisers, then them both together. I have not been getting better over the last few years I have been getting worse and there are only two things in my life that could have caused this downfall:
Taking strong meds
Getting into a relationship that has been very up & down with a lot of psychological hammering
The relationship thing…Very complicated. I refuse to think that it is that alone that has really affected my mental health. I think these meds are almost tricking my brain into thinking it isn’t well. Positive thinking and all that…Well how can you have positive thinking when you are stuffing all this meds down your neck? Surely they’re a constant sign that things are not OK so you can take your positivity elsewhere.
So I need some advice. I know I am impulsive so left to my own devices I would just stop all medication now. Does anyone have experience good or bad of coming off meds? What about abruptly stopping? I would love to go into 2018 drug free.
21:42 OK, an update! I’ve decided I am cured of all ailments and have written down a foolproof plan for the future. Please see below:
So I guess I’ll still do this blog but I won’t be a mental illness sufferer anymore.
17:27 It started 4 – 5 days ago I think. A strange sensation that runs down my right leg and ‘pools’ at the bottom. It’s so weird, I have to keep checking if I’ve pissed myself! Just to be clear – I haven’t pissed myself. Yet. But the sensation is there.
This symptom has coincided with me being unbelievably fatigued. I’m so tired all day regardless of how much sleep I’ve had. My eyes ache all day and my limbs feel so heavy. Now, the problem I’ve got with this though is it’s Christmas and I’ve been drinking loads of booze and eating far too much. So how much of this, if not all, is my own fault? Have I actually brought these symptoms on myself from partying like I’m 17 again 😂 I hope so because I’ve googled these symptoms and I have 2 minutes left to live – if that’s true, goodbye and I love you all.
08:25 I couldn’t muster the energy to keep up this diary over Christmas. I’ve been poorly and it has sapped me off energy. To top that off I’ve not done myself any favours in the drink/drugs department.
My newish meds mirtizipine is still kicking my arse. It’s making me sleep through alarms, fall asleep early on a night and just generally waddle about like a zombie. Still clinging on to these symptoms eventually wearing off/diminishing.
This is all I can hack to write. I’ll update my mood charts and come back to this properly tomorrow.
13:44 I’m crushed. I feel a sickness, worrying, dread feeling right through my body. Lead rods instead of bones. The pit of my stomach seems to have been exchanged with a whirring knot of bicycle chains.
See, everything was OK until someone had a go at me via email at work. Basically complaining at my work. My mind blew into overdrive. Shit, I’m supposed to be an expert at this. Fuck, what will happen when everyone else finds out I’ve done a crap job. I might lose my job. People will talk about me. I can’t lose my job. I want to die. I have to hurt myself. Fuck if only that Dr had given me something to take in these situations. What do I do? I don’t have meds I can take…I’m too wound up to even care about a stupid fucking DBT skill. My life is not worth living.
…..You can see how it went ey. I have, thankfully, calmed down abit from that. I still don’t feel well at all. I cancelled my RO DBT class because I can’t face anyone. I’m supposed to be at a family meal later but the thought of it is knocking me sick. I don’t want to see anyone let alone family. I will of course spend the rest of the day, possibly days, putting on a completely fake smile. Because I am so good (most people with a mental illness are too) at covering up how I feel nobody will be suspicious that really, I am truly fucking dying inside.
I drove home, almost in a trance. My only thoughts were to swerve into something or please let me crash. Or somebody crash into me, take that effort of doing it myself away from me. Just fucking kill me. Please.
I don’t even know if this is anxiety or depression or something else. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what emotions I am feeling. I don’t know what to do. All I know is this is unbearable.
20:21 You know when you can feel dread creeping on you? It shuffles in throughout the day, just reminding you that it’s there and it’ll get ya. You’ll think you’re find one minute and the next that darkness is just sat, probably not waving but sticking it’s fingers up at you.
It’s here. I know it is. I’ve felt it all day but have tried to blank it. Now that I’m sat down, all alone at home I feel trapped in my seat. Almost as if my life is being sapped from me, drained out of my body. I’m heavy but hollow, anchored to the ground but adrift in nothingness.
I desperately searched for and watched ‘make me happy’ videos on YouTube earlier, it worked for a brief moment.
I’m fat, awful, ugly, lazy, stupid, pathetic, worthless, shit, annoying, a stain, a disease. A parasite.