2nd Dec 17′

23:16 die die die die die haha fucking cunt I want to destroy trash burn annihilate. Where is my sister she would join me in this!!!!! Boooyyyyaaa fuck yeah motherfucker

23.06 mad one today hence the late entry! Been looking after my son all day, love that little lad. I often think he’s the only reason I’m alive today, without him I’d be dead. I’m going to see Liam Gallagher tomorrow and I’m going to be off my tits on booze and drugs. Fucking rock n roll sunshine. 

I’d say this is out of character but I don’t give a fuck me, do what I want when I want and if the world crumbles or I die in the process then so be it. I’m going out in a blaze of glory my friend 

29th Nov 17′

13:16 so busy the ends of my fingers set on fire off my keyboard. Work is manic right now which actually works really well for me, the busier and more occupied I am the better! I actually don’t have much to say here so bye. 

07:08 Today has started off great, I’m sleeping in cos I’m badass and can do what I want. Also a complete stranger posted a lovely comment on my site yesterday and it wasn’t what they wrote that has made me feel happy it’s that someone has spoke to me. I know that sounds sad af ๐Ÿ˜‚ but it’s genuine. I could never tell anyone how I was feeling before this blog but now I have communicated with someone ands it ok. I feel better. It’s made me realise the significance of just talking, regardless of the subject. Even just a hello can brighten someone’s day and you never, have an even bigger impact on their day.

I will add to this blog post later in the day, just need to say that this morning ๐Ÿ˜Š

28th Nov 17′

22:47ย My mind has just exploded in technicolour. Joseph is riding a chameleon shaped skateboard kick flipping over my synapses. Singing, Audioslave at the top of my beautiful voice. SHOOOWWW MEEE HOWWW TOO LIVEEEE

20:24 Struggling. I’ve had a pretty good day up until a couple of hours ago when I noticed my mood changing. I was becoming snappy, moody, angry. Like a dark cloud was descending upon me and I engaged it in combat. I tried fighting but it won, as always.ย  Now I sit on my own, in the dark with only the light of this computer screen. My limbs feel heavy, emotion has been sapped from me and I just feel numb. Hollow.

There has been no trigger, I just always seem to go to this dark place after being on top of the world.

On my way down I detach. Everything has lost all meaning, nothing is good or bad. Nothing exists.

Listening to Linkin Park & Chris Cornell. When I kill myself I’ll hang.

27th Nov 17′

20:20 Pretty good day all round! Work was sound, evening has been great so far. Haven’t had a full day that hasn’t been up and down in months, in fact I can’t remember the last time. It’s refreshing but at the same time it feels like a glimpse of what life should be like all the time…but it isn’t…so that’s a little depressing ๐Ÿ˜‚ The problem I have always had is my standards being too high. I have to have this perfect life with no downs or fuck it, it’s not worth it and I’d rather be dead. It completely sets me up for failure because no one can have a perfect life… but still, I don’t seem to be able to think any differently. Sometimes I will think differently for a little but revert back to my way of thinking shortly after. Oh well, I am enjoying today as it could be gone tomorrow. 

Love you all x

26th Nov 17′

20:35 I’ve pulled alot of my beard hair out and eaten it…now I look like a patchy mongrel. I guess I must be anxious about something but at this point in time I have no idea what it is. I’m just going to play assassin’s creed, chill out, stop eating hair then go to bed. 

19:37 YES! Twitter worked, each new diary entry is automatically shot into a tweet. That’s snazzy.

18:07 Alone at home now, I feel OK. I have to miss my RO DBT course this week and I’m not seeing my therapist so it’s the first time in ages that I’ll be without support for a couple of weeks – fills me with worry that but I’ll be alright. I have loads of things on at the mo that should keep me occupied – I often find that keeping myself occupied can stave off bad moods.

15:55 trying to leave that stress behind so I’m having a bath. Mindful breathing exercises too just to bring that arousal level down. Still chatting to my mate which is helping. I think I’m going to do a mindfulness section on this site. Just some techniques and things because regardless of your state of health mindfulness is a good thing to practice! It’s also the backbone of DBT.

13:19 started to get stressed and angry. Wife and son are irritating me and my head is throbbing with stress. Neither of them ever listen to me so what’s the fucking point. Now the wife has a face on her, she always makes it about her.

08:29 Son woke me up nice and early but he’s cute as hell so I’ll let it slide. Feel good this morning (except my knackered foot). Just watching the smurf movie! My friend (I think only friend seen as my illness seems to have disillusioned any other friends I had over the years) messaged me this morning just to catch up and see how I was. That’s exactly the kind of interaction I need, it’s not a massive support network but it’s something and without it I’d be completely alone. If you do one thing today – just ask someone how they are or spark up a conversation with someone you haven’t spoke to in a while. You never know they might just be waiting for a friend.

 

23rd Nov 17′

23:06 Absolute success tonight. Mood has been great, I’ve been super productive with this site. I made the home page static so any visitors don’t drown in diary entries. Can just imagine it ‘Oh, let’s check this site ou…..OH MY GOD THERE IS SO MUCH SHITE’. So now it’s safety hidden in it’s own section ๐Ÿ˜€ย  I’m tired and tomorrow is Black Friday…And payday, so good night x

16:22 First RO DBT group done! It actually went ok. I did a bit of DBT before this group and that didn’t really suit me. This feels much more suitable. I think this will help me.

14:29 Fuck me (I got distracted, have come back to this and have no idea why I wrote fuck me ๐Ÿ˜‚)

14:00 I want to fucking die. What a shit life this is.

13:50 Feel sick and nervous. I want to just go home and be alone. I have to go to the wife’s and my mother’s tonight, I hate doing anything outside of my normal schedule. It just completely stresses me out. All my neck and shoulders are stiff.

13:45 Just about to start RO DBT feel abit worried actually. I don’t know what others will think of me and that’s scary. I’m going to give it my best shot though as I think it’ll be a big part of my recovery.

07:50 God it was hard getting out of bed this morning. Felt shite but blasted some linkin park out on the commute, singing along. Trying to scream so I’ve lost my voice. Picked my mood up though! Big meeting today and my first RO DBT (radically open dialectical behaviour therapy) absolute mouthful that. Bit anxious at the thought but ok.